I don't like her!

“What is the best way to react to a child repeatedly saying “I don’t like Sally.” Sally being her sister, and the phrase is repeated over and over and over whenever the child feels this mood and her sister is near – say wanting in the tub with her, wanting to eat at the same dinner table etc. It doesn’t make sense to tell a child that they DO like Sally, but wondering out loud about the possibility of confusing terms and/or feelings does happen. “I wonder if you are just wanting some space from Sally right now. That might be a kinder way to express your feelings.” Though I wonder too if that’s not the same as telling the child what they think. It seems this is more mom’s issue than either child’s for the most part.

I would love to know what Nawny would do in a similar situation!”
--Sass

I think there is a difference between telling someone what they think and trying to help someone figure out what they want.

I also think that it can be easy to focus on the language that is hard for us, as parents, to hear, and then to focus in on the person saying those things. Sometimes it’s much more helpful in a situation like the one described above to turn our attention to the person that isn’t saying things that tap our parental worry/guilt buttons. Talking to Sally instead of her sister, for example. “Sounds like your sister wants some space. Why don’t you and I go play over there?” Let go of the difficult interaction, come back to it when it is less loaded.

I think one of the hardest things about parenting more than one child is figuring out who to help and how to help when our kids’ wants are directly conflicting. It’s important in such a situation to be really flexible in our attempts to help, and to be very aware of our own biases.

I hope something here proves useful!

What'd She Do?

“How would you handle it when you are talking to one child about something they’ve done and a sibling starts asking “what’d she do mom? What’d she do?”

Say the child sprayed another sibling with the hose and parent was explaining that “victim’s” cries implied it was not appreciated and in fact the hose holder herself does not like being sprayed. All the while another sibling is wanting to know “what’d she do?”

I’m supposing one shouldn’t be concerned about answering the question as it was a rather public offense but I worry about telling someone’s stories if they’d rather they not be told.”
-- Sass

My thoughts go in a couple of different directions with this…

It seems to me that just answering the question without judgement is the simplest solution. If something is private enough that it shouldn’t be shared, than it seems to me that it shouldn’t be discussed in a public setting. Of course, it’s also possible to redirect the question – “why don’t you ask her what she did?” Or to find out if it’s okay – “do you mind if I tell your brother what we’re talking about?” Or to answer with a long list… “Well, she woke up, she ate breakfast, she played with you, she went to the bathroom, she came outside, she watered the plants, she watered your brother, she put down the hose, she laughed at my joke… Which part did you miss?”

I wonder, though, if something else is going on. It sounds like maybe there is a punishment mentality here. Like maybe the parent has a certain tone of voice or body language that the kids recognize as meaning that one of them is “in trouble.” If siblings missed the event, much curiosity about what triggered the “in trouble” reaction certainly seems valid from the perspective of avoiding such events in the future. (And I imagine there will be some smug satisfaction coming from those not "in trouble.") Of course, if the parent wants to avoid punishment, then this kind of attention probably trips the guilt switch for her, which makes the whole situation even muddier. The parent doesn’t want to say what happened, because she doesn’t want to own the lecture she realizes she’s handing out… It's important for us to realize that if we are doing something we feel bad about doing, we can always stop. "She sprayed someone with the hose -- let's get some water balloons and bomb the sand box instead!"

I think clarity about what exactly is going on in such a situation will probably lead to an obvious way forward. Maybe the parent needs to pull out the water guns and draw chalk outlines on the fence for everyone to spray. Maybe the whole family needs a safe place for private conversations. Maybe it's time to set up the slip 'n slide. Maybe siblings need to be reminded that they can talk to each other directly and don’t need parents as a translator.

As always, I hope something here helps!

Teasing

“How do you address siblings being mean to each other? Picking on each other, doing/saying the things that *just* annoy the other...? What if just after Timmy says (heart feltedly, or so it seems to parent) "I want Pete to leave me alone!" Timmy is sticking his tongue out at Pete (again!)?

Mind you, I don’t believe either Pete or Timmy are "right" (oh, wouldn’t it be easy to act as a judge then and just send the offender to prison (AKA timeout)... no, no way, it wouldn’t!)”
--Thinking Mom

Ah, this is an interesting one. I think there are really two big pieces to this problem. How can the parent best respond in the heat of the moment? And, how can the parent help prevent siblings from tormenting each other in the future?

Responding in the heat of the moment requires not getting emotionally sucked into the drama. Instead, it’s up to the parents to figure out how to be present and engaged with the children without soaking up their anger and excitement. A sense of humor almost always helps shift the situation in a positive way. Being open to hearing both sides of the story is key to helping both siblings. Believing that all parties have good intentions is also important -- for example, instead of thinking that one child is just out to annoy the other child, consider that one or both children are conducting their own experiments in human psychology. There are better ways to study human psych than using family members as lab rats, but the interest is valid.

Some possibilities for addressing the longer term ramifications…

It might be true that both kids are enjoying the “tormenting.” Sometimes situations look worse to the outside observer than they actually are. It’s possible for people to have a lot of fun pushing each other’s buttons… It’s also very common for the button pushing to, at some point, become painful for one or both people. Still, it’s worth exploring (outside of the heat of the moment) whether the adrenaline rush and excitement of teasing each other and watching the explosive reactions has become a kind of game for both participants. If so, then figuring out how to safely end it when it stops being fun is crucial for both people. When in doubt, ask! Find out what the real issues are, find out what possible solutions are according to those directly involved in the conflict.

If, instead of being fun for both it is sometimes fun for one but not the other, then better ideas for how to play are definitely needed. Big reactions are fascinating to provoke and observe – how do both people feel about surprises as opposed to teasing, for instance? Or making slapstick jokes? Or little pranks like a rubber snake in someone’s shoe or putting a teddy bear in the fridge? The important part of these suggestions is finding a way forward that will be fun for both participants. Learning about how people react to unusual or difficult situations is not inherently bad. Intentionally hurting other people, however, is definitely to be avoided.

Of course, it’s also possible to shift the interest away from the other sibling altogether – to seek out movies and books and TV shows and video games that explore these issues. Or to engage in very intentional people watching in public places – spy games, for instance, or sketching, or just sitting and watching and chatting about what is seen.

Another hugely important thing to consider is that nothing gets a parent’s attention like a screaming sibling. Perhaps the parent needs to be more actively involved with both kids – playing board games together, or setting up art activities, or heading outside for a walk or some playground time together. If a bad dynamic is in place (mom is busy, brother screams, mom suddenly has time for us) then it is really critical for the parent to figure out how to break that dynamic. It can be really helpful in such a situation to talk to the kids about how they can quickly get parental attention. Touching an arm, or making eye contact, or singing a song, or doing some other simple thing... Just thinking good and long, as the parent, about how to be receptive to interruptions, and really listening for early cues can make a world of difference.

And of course, start where you are. No sense wallowing in guilt for setting up a bad dynamic – just get in there and start changing things for the better. Baby steps, toddler steps, giant leaps… Heck, treading water is always better than sinking. Figure out what, if anything, applies and work forward from where you are.

I hope something here helps!