Video Games

“I have a partner who I love and respect. Said partner enjoys video games and likes to play them to relax in the evenings and on the weekends. The playing of these games does not negatively impact on my partner or the other people in the family in any way. In my family of origin, video games of any sort (also many other things; TV, 'bad foods', staying up late) were vilified to the extreme, prohibited, and other people who engaged in these activities were looked down upon. It is hard, for some reason, to get over irritation/repulsion caused by video gaming. I would like to be more balanced and less dogmatic in my views than my family of origin, because I found being that rigid exhausting and restrictive! I do not feel the need to talk to my partner and ask hir to play less/elsewhere/with headphones on. I would really like to stop feeling guilty and annoyed about the presence of video games in my house!

Ideas?”
--MJ

I think there are several things going on here… It seems really likely to me that you’ve deconstructed the criticisms of some of the vilified activities from your childhood. In other words, the idea of “bad foods” has been rearranged for you, which could mean that what your parents considered bad you now consider good, or that you’ve realized that food has many facets, and you’re able to appreciate some good intertwined with what was once deemed “bad.” My guess is that this has not happened for you with video games. You want to be more balanced and less dogmatic, but you still believe that, in essence, video games really ARE bad…

I think if you want to change how you react to video games in your house, you need to examine very closely what you believe about video games. So, does it make sense to be accepting of something that really is bad? And if video games really are bad, can you share that with your partner? If it’s true, it should be possible to articulate that, yes? So, are you right to believe that video games are bad? What, precisely, is bad about video games? If you articulate this for yourself, you’ll be able to deconstruct your own beliefs.

There are lots of sources of information about video games, and like many hot topics in our culture, most of that information is clearly biased. If you want to dismantle the negative view you have, it seems like a good idea to me to immerse yourself in the literature that supports video gaming. You might even find it useful to actively avoid the video game related fear mongering, at least for now. Instead, try reading articles like this Wired article about video gamers developing scientific methods to beat their games. Or this BBC article about video gamers improved eyesight. Or this article from the Sydney Morning Herald summarizing our current understanding of some of the positive attributes of video gaming. For personal stories about the positive role video games play in many peoples lives, check out unschooling icon Sandra Dodd’s videogame page. For a more comprehensive look at the benefits of video games, consider reading James Paul Gee’s books about video games, or Steven Johnson’s book about the benefits of current technology and pop culture. These resources are just the tip of the iceberg. There is much, much more out there about the positive influence of gaming on individuals and our society at large.

Have you ever played a video game you enjoyed? I’m guessing the answer is no. I’m also guessing that, if you were willing to try, you could definitely find a game you might like. There is such amazing diversity in the world of video games these days. Games that give much of the control of the game to the player– where you get to decide what your character will look like, and whether the point of the game will be to charm lots of friends, or defeat all your enemies. Games that invite physical activity and interaction. Games with sweeping vistas and story lines that foster complex relationships via the internet. Games that tell lush stories. Games that are all about solving puzzles. New York Times Crosswords as a video game. Trivia games. And so, so, so much more. It might be worth it to find a game or two or three that you actually really enjoy. Play. See how that shifts your perspective.

If you happen to be a book lover (common, that – love books, vilify video games) then it might be eye opening to consider that a couple of hundred years ago, books were damned by many for the exact same reasons that video games are damned today… Books were seen as a bad moral influence, a hindrance to real learning in the real world, time wasting, and on and on. The media has changed, but the public is still skeptical and fearful of new forms of learning and entertainment.

Of course, it’s entirely possible that you’ve already done this kind of research, that you’ve already changed your thinking, at least on the surface. If so, and if you’re still hitting frustration in this area, then it seems possible that you’re tangling things up that aren’t connected.

Are you always annoyed by video games? Or just sometimes? If it’s the latter, look closely at your thoughts when you’re annoyed.

Were you wanting to connect with your partner, but the video game seems to be preventing that? If so, what would happen if you just sat down and snuggled up close – not interfering with the game playing, but opening yourself up to seeing the game through your partner’s eyes. What would happen if you asked hir to pause the game to go for a walk or have a cup of tea? It’s not a problem to ask for connection, though it can absolutely be a problem to demand it, or to blame/shame/guilt someone for not wanting the same thing you want.

Were you wanting quiet, or to listen to music, or to create some other shift in the environment that the video game somehow negates? If so, how can you create that shift? Close a door, open a window, light a candle, put on your own headphones, take a bath, step outside – the possibilities are endless here, so long as you are able to take responsibility for creating the environment you want, instead of unintentionally expecting someone else to do that for you.

Were you bored, and looking to your partner for inspiration? If so, maybe snuggling up is a solution, or calling a friend, or creating your own list of activities that you enjoy that you can refer to in an aimless moment.

Self-awareness is key here, along with a heavy dose of confidence in your own power to create the life you want for yourself. You know what you want to change, so put in the thought and the time and the effort, and you will absolutely manifest that change. Life is change, yes? So focus, and encourage change that you will feel good about. Change that feeds the relationships you value in your life. I hope something here helps you on your way.

Dithering

"After months of thinking, deliberating, and soul-searching, the time has come for me to make a big decision. How do I work up the courage to say something one way or another and stop the dithering?"
--Penne

I think we dither when we aren’t ready yet. If dithering is happening, I see that as a sign that the big decision isn’t actually made yet – more time is necessary. Maybe it’s time for less thinking and deliberating and soul-searching, and more percolating and breathing and just plain waiting for clarity. It’s possible, I think, to focus in too tightly on a problem. Maybe backing off a bit will help you figure out what you want to say as well as how to say what you want to say in such a way that working up courage will become unnecessary.

Of course, it’s also possible that courage is necessary because what is right and good for you directly conflicts with what you believe is right and good for the people you’re afraid to talk with. If that’s the case, waiting a bit might still be useful because it might help you figure out what your fears are so that you can address those fears without hurting the other person. The danger here is that waiting, if you are truly clear about what you’re wanting, might end up hurting the other person even more, since (assuming this is something they will have to find out about eventually) waiting will add deception to an already difficult situation. You know what I mean… “You’ve known this since then and you’re only just now telling me???!!!” If that’s the case, then reminding yourself that you’re causing more pain by waiting than by being honest right now might help you gather the courage you require.

I hope something here helps, although I realize that with my long delay in replying to your question you are probably all done dithering…

Other Parents

How and should one attempt to convince other parents that behaviourism is ineffective and detrimental in parenting?

Every time I hear "If you do that again, you won't get any chocolate!" I want to try to tell the parent that they nobody wins with such threats. I suspect that there is not much I can say without alienating and offending, which of course would not help anyone.

What do you think?
-- Willow


Honestly? I think it is more productive to focus on the positive changes we can make in our own lives than it is to hone in on the mistakes others are making. Often, I think, we notice things in others that we are bothered by in ourselves. Maybe you’ve moved beyond blatant threats, but it might be worthwhile to look closely at the ways that behaviorism still exerts a subtle grip on your thinking. Or maybe not.

Another thing to consider is simply this: what is it you are wanting – to share your own excitement about ideas that make sense to you? To offer a ray of hope to another parent? To gloat? To articulate your beliefs? To help a child? If you’re clear about your own intentions and desires, it might be easier to find ways forward that will be truly productive and satisfying for you.

At this point in my own journey, I think that setting out to convince others is often a mistake – a misdirection of energy and attention. It makes more sense to me to keep looking closely at our own issues, our own shortcomings, our own successes. To keep building our own lives. If our ideas are as good as we believe them to be, then living by them will indirectly impact many, many other people.

I hope something here proves useful, or at least interesting!

Liar, Liar

“Help! Someone is manipulating my child, telling them what a bad parent and person I am, fueling any discomfort we have, and basically putting himself between me and my child! Child loves this person and won't stop seeing them. What can I do? I don't want to create a war inside my child's head, that is the definition of coercion, but I want my child to trust me! I don't trust this person so a talk with them is out of the question. (To be honest, I believe this person would do almost exactly the opposite of anything I said, just to piss me off.)”
--Frustrated

Tricky, tricky, tricky.

I find myself thinking a lot about the exact nature of the relationships here, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. How is it different if the manipulative person is the child’s best friend? Other parent? Beloved uncle? Stepsister? Grandparent? Next-door neighbor? Is it different?

When I think about it, people cut other people out of their lives in all kinds of situations, so if the child didn’t want to see this person, the problem would be solved. But the child DOES want to see this person. The child loves this person.

So then I wonder how we can break down the problem… What does it mean to manipulate someone? To feed them misinformation? To try to lead them to set conclusions?

There are no perfect parents. All relationships have occasional discomfort. For someone to choose to dig into someone else’s relationship and try to expose it as “bad” seems unnecessary and potentially cruel to me. I think this is clearly how you’re perceiving the situation. There is a real danger here that anything you do to show how wrong the other person is for trying to manipulate your child will be perceived as you choosing to dig into someone else’s relationship and try to expose it as “bad.” Do you see what I mean? Going on the offense seems to me to set you up to become exactly what you dislike about this other person.

Your child loves you. And your child loves this manipulative person. Let’s assume the manipulator loves the child. The right thing for you, the parent, and this manipulative but important person to do seems to me to each have your own separate relationship with the child. Meaning it doesn’t make sense to me for the three of you to hang out together. Or to discuss each other with your child. You can’t control what the manipulator says or does. You can control how you react, and how you act in the first place.

I think that the ideal way forward is to assume the absolute best of your own child. And to protect your own mind. I’m thinking this might mean coming up with an easy answer for reports about the manipulator “hmmm, that’s interesting. I don’t see it that way.” And then let it go. If your child wants to talk more about it, listen. What’s that old saying? If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all? Politely disagree, but don’t get into judging his character. If you are the parent you want to be, then whether the other person claims you are “bad” or not will be irrelevant – you and your child know the truth.

I don’t think people are actually very easy to manipulate – I think we tend to believe what supports what we already know, if that makes sense. So if there are weak areas in your relationship with your child, work on those areas because it is important to you to do so. Strengthen yourself, and your relationship with your child, and what the manipulator says and does will not matter. If you are strong, and your relationship with your child is strong, then the manipulator will become irrelevant, a ghost.

I think if you see this, if this rings true to you, then it might even be possible to turn those attempts at manipulation to your advantage. If something you hear stings, be kind to yourself, and see that as valuable information that there is an area you are not happy with, a place where you can focus on being more present and growing in a positive direction. The manipulator might give specific language to your child, but he cannot control how your child feels or what your child believes. So listen, and be the parent you want to be, and know that the words you hear might be triggering unnecessary reactions for you, so try to get past those reactions and hear the substance, where your child is unhappy, and address that. This is where a simple, standard answer might come in handy – it will give you time to let your emotions settle, so that you aren’t interacting with your child in an angry reactive mode sparked by this other person you don’t trust.

If you are trustworthy, your child will trust you. Who you are, how you treat your child – that’s what trust is built on. At least, that’s what I want to believe. I hope I’m right.

It sounds like a very, very difficult situation. I really hope something here helps.

Changing the Rules

“What would you do if child likes playing certain games outside the house, but whenever you do, a neighbor child comes over to play along and takes over the game and only wants to play *hir* way, not the way of the child whose game s/he invited hirself to play? This could be flipped around, too. What if one's child is the kid who changes the rules of other kids' games, sometimes against the other kids' wishes? Intervene or no? If so, how?”
-- P.F.

I think it never hurts to just ask, you know?

“Is everybody having fun?”

“How’s the game going?”

"Anybody need any help?"

And I don’t recommend all of these questions, or any of them, necessarily. It’s the idea of checking in with the people who are actually involved in the situation that I think is important.

And then, when you’ve gotten your answer (or been politely ignored cuz they’re both mesmerized by the game) the way forward in that moment will be clear.

In either situation, I think it also makes sense to talk to your own child out of the moment. Figuring out how to ask open-ended questions is important. For instance, “don’t you hate it when Billy Bob takes over your game and only wants to play HIS way?” Is a very different question than “how did you like the game you and Billy Bob played today?”

I think, though, that at the crux of this question is a parental fear of bullying. And I think it is important to address bullying as a potential issue. The key, I think, is separating out what the parent is overlaying on the situation due to the parent’s history from what is actually happening in the situation.

Some thoughts about that… If your child is genuinely happy having a “leader” to play with, that isn’t a problem as long as (and I think this is important) the child knows lots of other children and isn’t stuck with one friend, and the child knows how to say “no, I don’t want to play that way” if, in fact, the leader is pushing the game to unwanted places. On the flip side, it isn’t a bad thing for a person to have strong ideas about how they spend their time, as long as those ideas are not being forced on other people against their will. In that case, I think it makes sense to talk about or roleplay scenarios where the other child doesn’t want to keep playing – what happens then? How does one gracefully change the rules to accommodate everyone's interests? Or, if that isn’t wanted, how does one gracefully part ways for a time?

The bottom line, for me, is simply that changing the rules can be a very good thing, as long as the changes lead to more enjoyment. If the changes are creating discord or unhappiness, then other solutions need to be found.

Ah, I just re-read and was struck by one more important thought – if your child doesn’t want the other child to take over, and isn’t comfortable voicing that to the other child, then I believe it is the parent’s responsibility to simply, kindly tell the other child “we want to do this our way today. These are our rules, and we aren’t changing them today.” And, flipping the scenario, if it is obvious that the other child does not want to have the rules changed, I think it is the parent’s responsibility to simply, kindly tell her own child “he doesn’t want us to change the rules for his game. Should we play our own game with those rules, or do you want to try Billy Bob’s game with his rules, or should we go out for ice cream?” As always, I do not recommend using my words as a script – I’m just putting them out here as a quick and easy way to illustrate the kind of connection I find most useful. You know your child and the neighbor far better than I do!

I hope something here helps!

Visiting Teen

“Hubby has agreed to have troubled 18yo nephew stay with us for 6 months at the request of his brother (boy's father). He will be coming from overseas. He has been involved in 3 car accidents which stemmed from alcohol and drugs (he was driving once) and has a history of party drug use. Argh! I don't think we need this as a family. This is the 3rd time that hubby's siblings have sent wayward offspring. I'm not convinced that this is going to be successful and I would hate to end up on bad terms with the boy or his mother and father.

After the other 2 times, hubby said, that's it, no more. Then he caves in again and agrees to this. I can't imagine this boy settling in here. He likes to party and have fun. And we'll have to be the ones that say 'no'. I'm also concerned about any
possible influence he may have on my teens.

The deal is done though. Now I need some guidance on what type of rules and boundaries to set down and how to spell it out to the boy.”

--Twiggy

What a messy situation.

I’m not sure I believe in done deals, by the way. Until he gets on the plane, the whole thing can be canceled. Once he’s on your continent, he can always turn around and go back to his parents.

I’m also not too hot on rules and artificial boundaries. However, I do think it is critical that you know your own boundaries, and that you are able to clearly articulate them to him. For instance, will he have access to your vehicles? Do people have sleep schedules that need to be respected? Will he have his own space, privacy, and time on his own? If he’s working for you, what are the safety requirements?

The most important thing of all, I think, is this: does he want to come to stay with you?

What are his intentions? If he’s wanting to make changes in his life and he’s excited about staying with you, then it seems to me that it’s up to you to be clear about what, exactly, your expectations are. Is he a guest? A tenant? An employee? Is he paying his way by working for you? Are you hosting him? Will he get a job and contribute financially to your household? Are his parents subsidizing his visit?

Are his parents forcing him, via emotional or financial obligations, to visit you? If so, I’m sorry. I think if he is there without believing that he’s chosen to be there, it will be more challenging for all of you. It will, I think, become even more important for you and your family to focus in on what you’re wanting from this situation, and to really hear his concerns and his desires.

So, what is the nature of the agreement? I think clarity about what you all want from the situation is crucial. And frankly, I would be much more interested and concerned about what his plans and goals are than what his parents want. His parents won’t be there. He will. You will. It’s up to you, your family, and him to figure out how this is going to work, what exactly you’re all hoping to accomplish.

And then, of course, what kind of back-up plans do you have in place? It seems obvious to me that if it isn’t working for you or for him, he will need to be able to hop back on a plane and head home. How about in-between situations? What happens if things are difficult – how do you plan to resolve your differences? It strikes me as a potentially painful and damaging situation for everyone if you buy into the idea that you’re “stuck” with each other.

What made the other two times unpleasant for you? What was good about those two time? If you can address, in your own mind, what didn’t work for you before, you can put plans in place to prevent a repeat. If you can find the bits that worked, you can figure out how to have more of the good.

And since you are agreeing to this, I think it’s important for you to be able to really welcome him. Assume the best, and give him a real chance to meet or surpass your expectations. Expecting him to corrupt your kids and disappoint you isn’t going to be good for anyone. So look inside and figure out how you can be present in a positive way for yourself, your family, and this man.

I realize I haven’t really answered your question. I don’t know the answer – it’s so entirely dependent on the fine details and the individuals. The broad brushstrokes? Look for ways to support his independent endeavors. Protect what you love about your home and your family. Assume that you will be able to solve the problems you encounter.

I hope this is at least a little helpful!

Gone Girlfriend

“My girlfriend is gone for a couple of weeks. I miss her. What should I do?”
--All Alone and Lonely

Ah, the lewd jokes I could write…

Missing someone means so many different things. I think it can be useful to unravel those strands a bit. Do you miss talking to her? Snuggling with her? Seeing her smile? Playing a game together? Hearing her laugh at a joke?

Figuring out what is missed can make finding a solution easier. (And yes, I do know that sometimes we just miss everything single thing there is about a person. If so, I promise it won't hurt to try some of my ideas anyway. I freely admit that there are no miracle cures.) Talking on the phone can be glorious. Sometimes the extra distance and the focus that the phone imposes create a very valuable space for discussing all kinds of things. Physical touch is important for people – a hug from a friend, visiting a much-loved niece or nephew, getting a massage, taking a very hands-on martial arts class – there are many ways to increase physical contact, which can do a lot to alleviate some feelings of physical isolation. Taking note of mundane things she’ll enjoy hearing about can be great fun. Good pictures of each other can be invaluable. And a well-worn unwashed t-shirt is a great snuggle aid. Of course, hanging out with friends and enjoying games, movies, life – that’s all good. Always good, actually.

I think a lot of my ideas boil down to two basic concepts… Find ways to connect with her and honor her unique importance to you, AND find ways to meet some of the needs she usually fills on your own and with friends.

And then enjoy her homecoming.