“I have a partner who I love and respect. Said partner enjoys video games and likes to play them to relax in the evenings and on the weekends. The playing of these games does not negatively impact on my partner or the other people in the family in any way. In my family of origin, video games of any sort (also many other things; TV, 'bad foods', staying up late) were vilified to the extreme, prohibited, and other people who engaged in these activities were looked down upon. It is hard, for some reason, to get over irritation/repulsion caused by video gaming. I would like to be more balanced and less dogmatic in my views than my family of origin, because I found being that rigid exhausting and restrictive! I do not feel the need to talk to my partner and ask hir to play less/elsewhere/with headphones on. I would really like to stop feeling guilty and annoyed about the presence of video games in my house!
Ideas?”
--MJ
I think there are several things going on here… It seems really likely to me that you’ve deconstructed the criticisms of some of the vilified activities from your childhood. In other words, the idea of “bad foods” has been rearranged for you, which could mean that what your parents considered bad you now consider good, or that you’ve realized that food has many facets, and you’re able to appreciate some good intertwined with what was once deemed “bad.” My guess is that this has not happened for you with video games. You want to be more balanced and less dogmatic, but you still believe that, in essence, video games really ARE bad…
I think if you want to change how you react to video games in your house, you need to examine very closely what you believe about video games. So, does it make sense to be accepting of something that really is bad? And if video games really are bad, can you share that with your partner? If it’s true, it should be possible to articulate that, yes? So, are you right to believe that video games are bad? What, precisely, is bad about video games? If you articulate this for yourself, you’ll be able to deconstruct your own beliefs.
There are lots of sources of information about video games, and like many hot topics in our culture, most of that information is clearly biased. If you want to dismantle the negative view you have, it seems like a good idea to me to immerse yourself in the literature that supports video gaming. You might even find it useful to actively avoid the video game related fear mongering, at least for now. Instead, try reading articles like this Wired article about video gamers developing scientific methods to beat their games. Or this BBC article about video gamers improved eyesight. Or this article from the Sydney Morning Herald summarizing our current understanding of some of the positive attributes of video gaming. For personal stories about the positive role video games play in many peoples lives, check out unschooling icon Sandra Dodd’s videogame page. For a more comprehensive look at the benefits of video games, consider reading James Paul Gee’s books about video games, or Steven Johnson’s book about the benefits of current technology and pop culture. These resources are just the tip of the iceberg. There is much, much more out there about the positive influence of gaming on individuals and our society at large.
Have you ever played a video game you enjoyed? I’m guessing the answer is no. I’m also guessing that, if you were willing to try, you could definitely find a game you might like. There is such amazing diversity in the world of video games these days. Games that give much of the control of the game to the player– where you get to decide what your character will look like, and whether the point of the game will be to charm lots of friends, or defeat all your enemies. Games that invite physical activity and interaction. Games with sweeping vistas and story lines that foster complex relationships via the internet. Games that tell lush stories. Games that are all about solving puzzles. New York Times Crosswords as a video game. Trivia games. And so, so, so much more. It might be worth it to find a game or two or three that you actually really enjoy. Play. See how that shifts your perspective.
If you happen to be a book lover (common, that – love books, vilify video games) then it might be eye opening to consider that a couple of hundred years ago, books were damned by many for the exact same reasons that video games are damned today… Books were seen as a bad moral influence, a hindrance to real learning in the real world, time wasting, and on and on. The media has changed, but the public is still skeptical and fearful of new forms of learning and entertainment.
Of course, it’s entirely possible that you’ve already done this kind of research, that you’ve already changed your thinking, at least on the surface. If so, and if you’re still hitting frustration in this area, then it seems possible that you’re tangling things up that aren’t connected.
Are you always annoyed by video games? Or just sometimes? If it’s the latter, look closely at your thoughts when you’re annoyed.
Were you wanting to connect with your partner, but the video game seems to be preventing that? If so, what would happen if you just sat down and snuggled up close – not interfering with the game playing, but opening yourself up to seeing the game through your partner’s eyes. What would happen if you asked hir to pause the game to go for a walk or have a cup of tea? It’s not a problem to ask for connection, though it can absolutely be a problem to demand it, or to blame/shame/guilt someone for not wanting the same thing you want.
Were you wanting quiet, or to listen to music, or to create some other shift in the environment that the video game somehow negates? If so, how can you create that shift? Close a door, open a window, light a candle, put on your own headphones, take a bath, step outside – the possibilities are endless here, so long as you are able to take responsibility for creating the environment you want, instead of unintentionally expecting someone else to do that for you.
Were you bored, and looking to your partner for inspiration? If so, maybe snuggling up is a solution, or calling a friend, or creating your own list of activities that you enjoy that you can refer to in an aimless moment.
Self-awareness is key here, along with a heavy dose of confidence in your own power to create the life you want for yourself. You know what you want to change, so put in the thought and the time and the effort, and you will absolutely manifest that change. Life is change, yes? So focus, and encourage change that you will feel good about. Change that feeds the relationships you value in your life. I hope something here helps you on your way.
Showing posts with label Self Sacrifice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self Sacrifice. Show all posts
Monday, October 6, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Dithering
"After months of thinking, deliberating, and soul-searching, the time has come for me to make a big decision. How do I work up the courage to say something one way or another and stop the dithering?"
--Penne
I think we dither when we aren’t ready yet. If dithering is happening, I see that as a sign that the big decision isn’t actually made yet – more time is necessary. Maybe it’s time for less thinking and deliberating and soul-searching, and more percolating and breathing and just plain waiting for clarity. It’s possible, I think, to focus in too tightly on a problem. Maybe backing off a bit will help you figure out what you want to say as well as how to say what you want to say in such a way that working up courage will become unnecessary.
Of course, it’s also possible that courage is necessary because what is right and good for you directly conflicts with what you believe is right and good for the people you’re afraid to talk with. If that’s the case, waiting a bit might still be useful because it might help you figure out what your fears are so that you can address those fears without hurting the other person. The danger here is that waiting, if you are truly clear about what you’re wanting, might end up hurting the other person even more, since (assuming this is something they will have to find out about eventually) waiting will add deception to an already difficult situation. You know what I mean… “You’ve known this since then and you’re only just now telling me???!!!” If that’s the case, then reminding yourself that you’re causing more pain by waiting than by being honest right now might help you gather the courage you require.
I hope something here helps, although I realize that with my long delay in replying to your question you are probably all done dithering…
--Penne
I think we dither when we aren’t ready yet. If dithering is happening, I see that as a sign that the big decision isn’t actually made yet – more time is necessary. Maybe it’s time for less thinking and deliberating and soul-searching, and more percolating and breathing and just plain waiting for clarity. It’s possible, I think, to focus in too tightly on a problem. Maybe backing off a bit will help you figure out what you want to say as well as how to say what you want to say in such a way that working up courage will become unnecessary.
Of course, it’s also possible that courage is necessary because what is right and good for you directly conflicts with what you believe is right and good for the people you’re afraid to talk with. If that’s the case, waiting a bit might still be useful because it might help you figure out what your fears are so that you can address those fears without hurting the other person. The danger here is that waiting, if you are truly clear about what you’re wanting, might end up hurting the other person even more, since (assuming this is something they will have to find out about eventually) waiting will add deception to an already difficult situation. You know what I mean… “You’ve known this since then and you’re only just now telling me???!!!” If that’s the case, then reminding yourself that you’re causing more pain by waiting than by being honest right now might help you gather the courage you require.
I hope something here helps, although I realize that with my long delay in replying to your question you are probably all done dithering…
Monday, June 23, 2008
Recovery
“Parent is currently seeking treatment for substance abuse. Through therapy, this parent has discovered that the substance abuse was a form of self-medication. While using, the parent feels as if they were relaxed and free of anxiety, withdrawal from this substance currently leaves the parent restless, irritable, and discontent. The children are in the unfortunate predicament of witnessing the parent's mood swings and depression. Every display of anger leaves the parent in a further state of depression and self-loathing. Parent is assured that these intense feelings are natural and will pass, but are still painful regardless. How can the parent nurture and protect the children while making hir recovery a top priority?”
-- Anonymous
Anger, depression, and self-loathing might be natural responses to physical withdrawal, but that doesn’t mean we should just bite the bullet and wait for them to pass. I think you are absolutely right to want to prevent the pain. I agree that it is worthwhile to look for solutions now – I think it is far too common for depression to become habitual, so figuring out how to break the thoughts that lead there and the expression of those thoughts that is counter to greater intentions seems to me to be very important.
Also, you mention that substance abuse was a form of self-medication. I think it’s important to look closely at why self-medication was needed. What is replacing the formerly abused substance? I think when we’re in pain, we need to address the root causes of that pain while applying quick fixes. Self-medicating via substance abuse doesn’t address the root causes. Neither does stopping the substance abuse. The bigger issue here needs to be addressed, whether that is done via therapy or prescribed medications or light treatments or acupuncture or massage or yoga or meditation or nutrition or exercise or vitamin supplements or something else or a combination of some or all of the above will depend entirely on the specifics of the individual. In other words, figure out what leads you to self-medicate, and do what you can to address that issue (or those issues). It is imperative, I think, that you be willing to approach these problems from more than one perspective. Nobody really understands how the human mind works. Humans have lots of different theories about it. Ultimately, however, it is YOUR mind, and it is up to you to find the theories that fit best for you – the answers that best solve your unique problems.
But the core of your question was how to nurture and protect the children during a difficult time for the parent – and I think that requires help, in the form of other adults. If there is a parent-partner, then the two of you need to figure out together how the other parent can take over as much as possible so that you can work through your physical and emotional difficulties without hurting people that you love. It’s also critical that you reach out to family and friends, and enlist more help. That might mean talking about the actual problems you’re having. It might mean setting up more playdates and overnights. And if you’re a solo parent, then it is time to lean very hard on friends and family. I think you need to do two crucial things now. One is to work hard on breaking the patterns you’ve established that are hurting your kids. The other is to physically protect your kids and make sure that they have other people they love nurturing them while you’re moving forward, while you’re in a place of making a lot of mistakes. If you can’t change yourself fast enough, you can at least change your frequency of interactions for a time.
Guilt is a word you didn’t use at all, but I think it is very, very, very likely that guilt is the source of this: “Every display of anger leaves the parent in a further state of depression and self-loathing.” If I’m right, then there is a really nasty cycle starting here, one that needs to be seen and dismantled ASAP. Guilt serves one useful purpose – it shows us what we don’t want to do, who we don’t want to be. Once we’ve recognized that, it is crucial that we let it go. Let go of the mistake, and let go of the guilt. The real danger of feeling guilty is that if we get stuck in that feeling, we are setting ourselves up to fail. Feeling guilty makes it harder to see what we are doing right, what is going well, what we feel good about. Instead, guilt focuses very harshly on how we have failed, with an assumption that those failings are permanently damaging and irreparable. This leads, not to more success, but to more failing – often the same mistakes are repeated, creating more guilt, which leads to, yes, more misery. In order to learn from mistakes, we have to let them go. We have to see ourselves as separate from our mistakes. Guilt attaches our identity to our mistakes, and gets stuck there. So, if I’m at all right with this guess, you need to recognize what you are doing that is positive – tackling a very big problem (substance abuse). Unraveling these internal problems (substance abuse and the underlying causes) is a hugely positive thing.
And don’t stop there! Look at the small stuff. What can you do differently when feelings of frustration start creeping in? What helps you stay calm and centered? There is a way that we can assume we need to ride a feeling through to the end, and I think it can be very freeing to recognize the falseness of that. We can change gears anytime. We can start down a bad path, recognize that, and stop. Turn around. Find another way forward. Just because anger is rising, just because depression is descending, doesn’t mean we have to follow that pattern through to the end. We can, if we figure out how, turn it around. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we start doing that, the better. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in the guilt cycle and figure out how to let that go by calling a friend, or by snuggling with your child, or by feeding yourself a good meal. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in the anger cycle and break it by focusing on your breath, or by going outside, or by opening the curtains to let in some sunlight. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in self-pity and break it by taking a long bath or making a cup of tea or putting on a favorite CD. The specifics that I’m listing are not important. What is important is that you realize that YOU have the power to shift your own mental landscape, the power to choose where to focus your thoughts. How you do that, well, that’s up to you. I’m just reminding you that it is possible. And that you won’t always figure it out. So focus on noticing when you do figure it out. Focus on whatever helps you stay clear, calm, separate from what is hard.
I don’t know how helpful this will be. I don’t know whether it’s even really possible for me to help you at all. I strongly, strongly encourage you to talk to people face to face about everything you wrote to me. Find support where you are. Ask for help. Ask for help. Ask for help. Know that sometimes people won’t be able to help you, and ask anyway. Keep asking until you realize you’re doing okay. Then, remember to return the favor.
-- Anonymous
Anger, depression, and self-loathing might be natural responses to physical withdrawal, but that doesn’t mean we should just bite the bullet and wait for them to pass. I think you are absolutely right to want to prevent the pain. I agree that it is worthwhile to look for solutions now – I think it is far too common for depression to become habitual, so figuring out how to break the thoughts that lead there and the expression of those thoughts that is counter to greater intentions seems to me to be very important.
Also, you mention that substance abuse was a form of self-medication. I think it’s important to look closely at why self-medication was needed. What is replacing the formerly abused substance? I think when we’re in pain, we need to address the root causes of that pain while applying quick fixes. Self-medicating via substance abuse doesn’t address the root causes. Neither does stopping the substance abuse. The bigger issue here needs to be addressed, whether that is done via therapy or prescribed medications or light treatments or acupuncture or massage or yoga or meditation or nutrition or exercise or vitamin supplements or something else or a combination of some or all of the above will depend entirely on the specifics of the individual. In other words, figure out what leads you to self-medicate, and do what you can to address that issue (or those issues). It is imperative, I think, that you be willing to approach these problems from more than one perspective. Nobody really understands how the human mind works. Humans have lots of different theories about it. Ultimately, however, it is YOUR mind, and it is up to you to find the theories that fit best for you – the answers that best solve your unique problems.
But the core of your question was how to nurture and protect the children during a difficult time for the parent – and I think that requires help, in the form of other adults. If there is a parent-partner, then the two of you need to figure out together how the other parent can take over as much as possible so that you can work through your physical and emotional difficulties without hurting people that you love. It’s also critical that you reach out to family and friends, and enlist more help. That might mean talking about the actual problems you’re having. It might mean setting up more playdates and overnights. And if you’re a solo parent, then it is time to lean very hard on friends and family. I think you need to do two crucial things now. One is to work hard on breaking the patterns you’ve established that are hurting your kids. The other is to physically protect your kids and make sure that they have other people they love nurturing them while you’re moving forward, while you’re in a place of making a lot of mistakes. If you can’t change yourself fast enough, you can at least change your frequency of interactions for a time.
Guilt is a word you didn’t use at all, but I think it is very, very, very likely that guilt is the source of this: “Every display of anger leaves the parent in a further state of depression and self-loathing.” If I’m right, then there is a really nasty cycle starting here, one that needs to be seen and dismantled ASAP. Guilt serves one useful purpose – it shows us what we don’t want to do, who we don’t want to be. Once we’ve recognized that, it is crucial that we let it go. Let go of the mistake, and let go of the guilt. The real danger of feeling guilty is that if we get stuck in that feeling, we are setting ourselves up to fail. Feeling guilty makes it harder to see what we are doing right, what is going well, what we feel good about. Instead, guilt focuses very harshly on how we have failed, with an assumption that those failings are permanently damaging and irreparable. This leads, not to more success, but to more failing – often the same mistakes are repeated, creating more guilt, which leads to, yes, more misery. In order to learn from mistakes, we have to let them go. We have to see ourselves as separate from our mistakes. Guilt attaches our identity to our mistakes, and gets stuck there. So, if I’m at all right with this guess, you need to recognize what you are doing that is positive – tackling a very big problem (substance abuse). Unraveling these internal problems (substance abuse and the underlying causes) is a hugely positive thing.
And don’t stop there! Look at the small stuff. What can you do differently when feelings of frustration start creeping in? What helps you stay calm and centered? There is a way that we can assume we need to ride a feeling through to the end, and I think it can be very freeing to recognize the falseness of that. We can change gears anytime. We can start down a bad path, recognize that, and stop. Turn around. Find another way forward. Just because anger is rising, just because depression is descending, doesn’t mean we have to follow that pattern through to the end. We can, if we figure out how, turn it around. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we start doing that, the better. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in the guilt cycle and figure out how to let that go by calling a friend, or by snuggling with your child, or by feeding yourself a good meal. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in the anger cycle and break it by focusing on your breath, or by going outside, or by opening the curtains to let in some sunlight. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in self-pity and break it by taking a long bath or making a cup of tea or putting on a favorite CD. The specifics that I’m listing are not important. What is important is that you realize that YOU have the power to shift your own mental landscape, the power to choose where to focus your thoughts. How you do that, well, that’s up to you. I’m just reminding you that it is possible. And that you won’t always figure it out. So focus on noticing when you do figure it out. Focus on whatever helps you stay clear, calm, separate from what is hard.
I don’t know how helpful this will be. I don’t know whether it’s even really possible for me to help you at all. I strongly, strongly encourage you to talk to people face to face about everything you wrote to me. Find support where you are. Ask for help. Ask for help. Ask for help. Know that sometimes people won’t be able to help you, and ask anyway. Keep asking until you realize you’re doing okay. Then, remember to return the favor.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Struggling with Food
“I struggle with my weight. When my child was about 2, and I was still choosing to have complete control over what food was in the house and how often or rarely we ate sweets, I was able to lose a bunch of weight and it felt great. It's not just vanity, I have more energy, etc. when I'm at a healthier weight.
Now that I am keeping more sweet stuff in the house, and trying to create a sense of abundance around food, I have gained back all that I lost plus some, and I can't seem to lose it. It is too hard to have all this yummy stuff around and not eat it when I'm tired or frustrated.
I do not want to make my child a part of my issues about food and eating, so do not want to enlist hir "help" in keeping the sweets out of sight or anything like that.
Got any good thinking points for me?”
--Josie
It seems to me like you’ve got two solid areas to consider – change your internal thinking about food, or change your external environment. Within those areas, you’ve got a lot of options, and I think it’s important to remember that you can work on both areas at the same time. (Set your environment up so that success is easy while also working on dismantling thought patterns that trip you up.)
One important thing I think you need to be aware of is simply that your child, by virtue of living with you, is going to see your issues with food. Maybe that means seeing you indulge in sweet stuff when you’re tired and frustrated, or seeing you put sweet stuff in a special locked cabinet, or seeing you take ten deep breaths and count to 100 every single time you look at a sugary treat, or or or or or… Whatever you do, however you choose to deal with or hide from this issue, that will be part of your child’s environment and frame of reference. I don’t think that talking explicitly with your child about your issues with food will “make” your child part of your issues. I do think that, whether you like it or not, your issues are likely to have some impact on how your child views food. I think there is a difference between saying “I’m buying this for you, so I’m putting it in this drawer/bin/Tupperware/cupboard,” and saying “I’m buying this for you, don’t ever share any with me not matter how much I beg and plead, and always leave it locked so I can’t sneak no matter how much I want to.” Does it change how you view the food if it’s in a drawer with your child’s name on it vs. being in a communal cupboard? Do you want it more or less? (I don’t think there’s a right answer to that one. I think what matters is that you know YOUR answer. If you’ll crave it more if it is supposed to be someone else’s, than give yourself permission to eat it. If you feel freed from wanting it by seeing it as someone else’s, than slap a nametag on it and let it go.)
Some things to think about…
Solve for the exhaustion and frustration that trigger binging you feel bad about. Find ways that consistently work for you to get rest and feel mellow.
Exercise more. Go for walks, ride a bike to the store, get Wii Fit, do yoga in your living room, treat cleaning up as a hardcore workout, do ten jumping jacks and ten pushups every single time you feel remotely crappy, frustrated, tired, hungry, sad, angry, etc.
Read about Margaret Cho’s “fuck it” diet, and consider dismissing all the rest of this “advice” of mine completely.
http://www.margaretcho.com/blog/2003/11/06/the-fuck-it-diet.html
Stop yourself for a second before eating anything to think about what you’re feeding – your belly, your tongue, your emotions – and whether the food in your hand is the best solution you can think of. Plan ahead. Have a friend to call for when you need emotional support. Give yourself permission to taste things and then spit them in the garbage, or to take a nibble of something and toss the rest in the trash. Make a list of food that gives you energy and satisfies your belly, and post it on your fridge. Make sure your kitchen is stocked with vegetables that are ready to eat, fruit in pretty bowls in obvious places, quick protein snacks on hand (nuts, hard boiled eggs, good meat ready to eat), and so on.
Come up with other ideas for how to soothe yourself if you do end up frustrated or tired – music, light, scents, touch, exercise, sleep, conversations… Then do those things. Put your lists on the cupboards or on the fridge. Stop yourself when you see them, and read them.
You are right that this is your problem. Now you just need to figure out how you want to solve it. I hope something here proves useful.
Now that I am keeping more sweet stuff in the house, and trying to create a sense of abundance around food, I have gained back all that I lost plus some, and I can't seem to lose it. It is too hard to have all this yummy stuff around and not eat it when I'm tired or frustrated.
I do not want to make my child a part of my issues about food and eating, so do not want to enlist hir "help" in keeping the sweets out of sight or anything like that.
Got any good thinking points for me?”
--Josie
It seems to me like you’ve got two solid areas to consider – change your internal thinking about food, or change your external environment. Within those areas, you’ve got a lot of options, and I think it’s important to remember that you can work on both areas at the same time. (Set your environment up so that success is easy while also working on dismantling thought patterns that trip you up.)
One important thing I think you need to be aware of is simply that your child, by virtue of living with you, is going to see your issues with food. Maybe that means seeing you indulge in sweet stuff when you’re tired and frustrated, or seeing you put sweet stuff in a special locked cabinet, or seeing you take ten deep breaths and count to 100 every single time you look at a sugary treat, or or or or or… Whatever you do, however you choose to deal with or hide from this issue, that will be part of your child’s environment and frame of reference. I don’t think that talking explicitly with your child about your issues with food will “make” your child part of your issues. I do think that, whether you like it or not, your issues are likely to have some impact on how your child views food. I think there is a difference between saying “I’m buying this for you, so I’m putting it in this drawer/bin/Tupperware/cupboard,” and saying “I’m buying this for you, don’t ever share any with me not matter how much I beg and plead, and always leave it locked so I can’t sneak no matter how much I want to.” Does it change how you view the food if it’s in a drawer with your child’s name on it vs. being in a communal cupboard? Do you want it more or less? (I don’t think there’s a right answer to that one. I think what matters is that you know YOUR answer. If you’ll crave it more if it is supposed to be someone else’s, than give yourself permission to eat it. If you feel freed from wanting it by seeing it as someone else’s, than slap a nametag on it and let it go.)
Some things to think about…
Solve for the exhaustion and frustration that trigger binging you feel bad about. Find ways that consistently work for you to get rest and feel mellow.
Exercise more. Go for walks, ride a bike to the store, get Wii Fit, do yoga in your living room, treat cleaning up as a hardcore workout, do ten jumping jacks and ten pushups every single time you feel remotely crappy, frustrated, tired, hungry, sad, angry, etc.
Read about Margaret Cho’s “fuck it” diet, and consider dismissing all the rest of this “advice” of mine completely.
http://www.margaretcho.com/blog/2003/11/06/the-fuck-it-diet.html
Stop yourself for a second before eating anything to think about what you’re feeding – your belly, your tongue, your emotions – and whether the food in your hand is the best solution you can think of. Plan ahead. Have a friend to call for when you need emotional support. Give yourself permission to taste things and then spit them in the garbage, or to take a nibble of something and toss the rest in the trash. Make a list of food that gives you energy and satisfies your belly, and post it on your fridge. Make sure your kitchen is stocked with vegetables that are ready to eat, fruit in pretty bowls in obvious places, quick protein snacks on hand (nuts, hard boiled eggs, good meat ready to eat), and so on.
Come up with other ideas for how to soothe yourself if you do end up frustrated or tired – music, light, scents, touch, exercise, sleep, conversations… Then do those things. Put your lists on the cupboards or on the fridge. Stop yourself when you see them, and read them.
You are right that this is your problem. Now you just need to figure out how you want to solve it. I hope something here proves useful.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Liar, Liar
“Help! Someone is manipulating my child, telling them what a bad parent and person I am, fueling any discomfort we have, and basically putting himself between me and my child! Child loves this person and won't stop seeing them. What can I do? I don't want to create a war inside my child's head, that is the definition of coercion, but I want my child to trust me! I don't trust this person so a talk with them is out of the question. (To be honest, I believe this person would do almost exactly the opposite of anything I said, just to piss me off.)”
--Frustrated
Tricky, tricky, tricky.
I find myself thinking a lot about the exact nature of the relationships here, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. How is it different if the manipulative person is the child’s best friend? Other parent? Beloved uncle? Stepsister? Grandparent? Next-door neighbor? Is it different?
When I think about it, people cut other people out of their lives in all kinds of situations, so if the child didn’t want to see this person, the problem would be solved. But the child DOES want to see this person. The child loves this person.
So then I wonder how we can break down the problem… What does it mean to manipulate someone? To feed them misinformation? To try to lead them to set conclusions?
There are no perfect parents. All relationships have occasional discomfort. For someone to choose to dig into someone else’s relationship and try to expose it as “bad” seems unnecessary and potentially cruel to me. I think this is clearly how you’re perceiving the situation. There is a real danger here that anything you do to show how wrong the other person is for trying to manipulate your child will be perceived as you choosing to dig into someone else’s relationship and try to expose it as “bad.” Do you see what I mean? Going on the offense seems to me to set you up to become exactly what you dislike about this other person.
Your child loves you. And your child loves this manipulative person. Let’s assume the manipulator loves the child. The right thing for you, the parent, and this manipulative but important person to do seems to me to each have your own separate relationship with the child. Meaning it doesn’t make sense to me for the three of you to hang out together. Or to discuss each other with your child. You can’t control what the manipulator says or does. You can control how you react, and how you act in the first place.
I think that the ideal way forward is to assume the absolute best of your own child. And to protect your own mind. I’m thinking this might mean coming up with an easy answer for reports about the manipulator “hmmm, that’s interesting. I don’t see it that way.” And then let it go. If your child wants to talk more about it, listen. What’s that old saying? If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all? Politely disagree, but don’t get into judging his character. If you are the parent you want to be, then whether the other person claims you are “bad” or not will be irrelevant – you and your child know the truth.
I don’t think people are actually very easy to manipulate – I think we tend to believe what supports what we already know, if that makes sense. So if there are weak areas in your relationship with your child, work on those areas because it is important to you to do so. Strengthen yourself, and your relationship with your child, and what the manipulator says and does will not matter. If you are strong, and your relationship with your child is strong, then the manipulator will become irrelevant, a ghost.
I think if you see this, if this rings true to you, then it might even be possible to turn those attempts at manipulation to your advantage. If something you hear stings, be kind to yourself, and see that as valuable information that there is an area you are not happy with, a place where you can focus on being more present and growing in a positive direction. The manipulator might give specific language to your child, but he cannot control how your child feels or what your child believes. So listen, and be the parent you want to be, and know that the words you hear might be triggering unnecessary reactions for you, so try to get past those reactions and hear the substance, where your child is unhappy, and address that. This is where a simple, standard answer might come in handy – it will give you time to let your emotions settle, so that you aren’t interacting with your child in an angry reactive mode sparked by this other person you don’t trust.
If you are trustworthy, your child will trust you. Who you are, how you treat your child – that’s what trust is built on. At least, that’s what I want to believe. I hope I’m right.
It sounds like a very, very difficult situation. I really hope something here helps.
--Frustrated
Tricky, tricky, tricky.
I find myself thinking a lot about the exact nature of the relationships here, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. How is it different if the manipulative person is the child’s best friend? Other parent? Beloved uncle? Stepsister? Grandparent? Next-door neighbor? Is it different?
When I think about it, people cut other people out of their lives in all kinds of situations, so if the child didn’t want to see this person, the problem would be solved. But the child DOES want to see this person. The child loves this person.
So then I wonder how we can break down the problem… What does it mean to manipulate someone? To feed them misinformation? To try to lead them to set conclusions?
There are no perfect parents. All relationships have occasional discomfort. For someone to choose to dig into someone else’s relationship and try to expose it as “bad” seems unnecessary and potentially cruel to me. I think this is clearly how you’re perceiving the situation. There is a real danger here that anything you do to show how wrong the other person is for trying to manipulate your child will be perceived as you choosing to dig into someone else’s relationship and try to expose it as “bad.” Do you see what I mean? Going on the offense seems to me to set you up to become exactly what you dislike about this other person.
Your child loves you. And your child loves this manipulative person. Let’s assume the manipulator loves the child. The right thing for you, the parent, and this manipulative but important person to do seems to me to each have your own separate relationship with the child. Meaning it doesn’t make sense to me for the three of you to hang out together. Or to discuss each other with your child. You can’t control what the manipulator says or does. You can control how you react, and how you act in the first place.
I think that the ideal way forward is to assume the absolute best of your own child. And to protect your own mind. I’m thinking this might mean coming up with an easy answer for reports about the manipulator “hmmm, that’s interesting. I don’t see it that way.” And then let it go. If your child wants to talk more about it, listen. What’s that old saying? If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all? Politely disagree, but don’t get into judging his character. If you are the parent you want to be, then whether the other person claims you are “bad” or not will be irrelevant – you and your child know the truth.
I don’t think people are actually very easy to manipulate – I think we tend to believe what supports what we already know, if that makes sense. So if there are weak areas in your relationship with your child, work on those areas because it is important to you to do so. Strengthen yourself, and your relationship with your child, and what the manipulator says and does will not matter. If you are strong, and your relationship with your child is strong, then the manipulator will become irrelevant, a ghost.
I think if you see this, if this rings true to you, then it might even be possible to turn those attempts at manipulation to your advantage. If something you hear stings, be kind to yourself, and see that as valuable information that there is an area you are not happy with, a place where you can focus on being more present and growing in a positive direction. The manipulator might give specific language to your child, but he cannot control how your child feels or what your child believes. So listen, and be the parent you want to be, and know that the words you hear might be triggering unnecessary reactions for you, so try to get past those reactions and hear the substance, where your child is unhappy, and address that. This is where a simple, standard answer might come in handy – it will give you time to let your emotions settle, so that you aren’t interacting with your child in an angry reactive mode sparked by this other person you don’t trust.
If you are trustworthy, your child will trust you. Who you are, how you treat your child – that’s what trust is built on. At least, that’s what I want to believe. I hope I’m right.
It sounds like a very, very difficult situation. I really hope something here helps.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Visiting Teen
“Hubby has agreed to have troubled 18yo nephew stay with us for 6 months at the request of his brother (boy's father). He will be coming from overseas. He has been involved in 3 car accidents which stemmed from alcohol and drugs (he was driving once) and has a history of party drug use. Argh! I don't think we need this as a family. This is the 3rd time that hubby's siblings have sent wayward offspring. I'm not convinced that this is going to be successful and I would hate to end up on bad terms with the boy or his mother and father.
After the other 2 times, hubby said, that's it, no more. Then he caves in again and agrees to this. I can't imagine this boy settling in here. He likes to party and have fun. And we'll have to be the ones that say 'no'. I'm also concerned about any
possible influence he may have on my teens.
The deal is done though. Now I need some guidance on what type of rules and boundaries to set down and how to spell it out to the boy.”
--Twiggy
What a messy situation.
I’m not sure I believe in done deals, by the way. Until he gets on the plane, the whole thing can be canceled. Once he’s on your continent, he can always turn around and go back to his parents.
I’m also not too hot on rules and artificial boundaries. However, I do think it is critical that you know your own boundaries, and that you are able to clearly articulate them to him. For instance, will he have access to your vehicles? Do people have sleep schedules that need to be respected? Will he have his own space, privacy, and time on his own? If he’s working for you, what are the safety requirements?
The most important thing of all, I think, is this: does he want to come to stay with you?
What are his intentions? If he’s wanting to make changes in his life and he’s excited about staying with you, then it seems to me that it’s up to you to be clear about what, exactly, your expectations are. Is he a guest? A tenant? An employee? Is he paying his way by working for you? Are you hosting him? Will he get a job and contribute financially to your household? Are his parents subsidizing his visit?
Are his parents forcing him, via emotional or financial obligations, to visit you? If so, I’m sorry. I think if he is there without believing that he’s chosen to be there, it will be more challenging for all of you. It will, I think, become even more important for you and your family to focus in on what you’re wanting from this situation, and to really hear his concerns and his desires.
So, what is the nature of the agreement? I think clarity about what you all want from the situation is crucial. And frankly, I would be much more interested and concerned about what his plans and goals are than what his parents want. His parents won’t be there. He will. You will. It’s up to you, your family, and him to figure out how this is going to work, what exactly you’re all hoping to accomplish.
And then, of course, what kind of back-up plans do you have in place? It seems obvious to me that if it isn’t working for you or for him, he will need to be able to hop back on a plane and head home. How about in-between situations? What happens if things are difficult – how do you plan to resolve your differences? It strikes me as a potentially painful and damaging situation for everyone if you buy into the idea that you’re “stuck” with each other.
What made the other two times unpleasant for you? What was good about those two time? If you can address, in your own mind, what didn’t work for you before, you can put plans in place to prevent a repeat. If you can find the bits that worked, you can figure out how to have more of the good.
And since you are agreeing to this, I think it’s important for you to be able to really welcome him. Assume the best, and give him a real chance to meet or surpass your expectations. Expecting him to corrupt your kids and disappoint you isn’t going to be good for anyone. So look inside and figure out how you can be present in a positive way for yourself, your family, and this man.
I realize I haven’t really answered your question. I don’t know the answer – it’s so entirely dependent on the fine details and the individuals. The broad brushstrokes? Look for ways to support his independent endeavors. Protect what you love about your home and your family. Assume that you will be able to solve the problems you encounter.
I hope this is at least a little helpful!
After the other 2 times, hubby said, that's it, no more. Then he caves in again and agrees to this. I can't imagine this boy settling in here. He likes to party and have fun. And we'll have to be the ones that say 'no'. I'm also concerned about any
possible influence he may have on my teens.
The deal is done though. Now I need some guidance on what type of rules and boundaries to set down and how to spell it out to the boy.”
--Twiggy
What a messy situation.
I’m not sure I believe in done deals, by the way. Until he gets on the plane, the whole thing can be canceled. Once he’s on your continent, he can always turn around and go back to his parents.
I’m also not too hot on rules and artificial boundaries. However, I do think it is critical that you know your own boundaries, and that you are able to clearly articulate them to him. For instance, will he have access to your vehicles? Do people have sleep schedules that need to be respected? Will he have his own space, privacy, and time on his own? If he’s working for you, what are the safety requirements?
The most important thing of all, I think, is this: does he want to come to stay with you?
What are his intentions? If he’s wanting to make changes in his life and he’s excited about staying with you, then it seems to me that it’s up to you to be clear about what, exactly, your expectations are. Is he a guest? A tenant? An employee? Is he paying his way by working for you? Are you hosting him? Will he get a job and contribute financially to your household? Are his parents subsidizing his visit?
Are his parents forcing him, via emotional or financial obligations, to visit you? If so, I’m sorry. I think if he is there without believing that he’s chosen to be there, it will be more challenging for all of you. It will, I think, become even more important for you and your family to focus in on what you’re wanting from this situation, and to really hear his concerns and his desires.
So, what is the nature of the agreement? I think clarity about what you all want from the situation is crucial. And frankly, I would be much more interested and concerned about what his plans and goals are than what his parents want. His parents won’t be there. He will. You will. It’s up to you, your family, and him to figure out how this is going to work, what exactly you’re all hoping to accomplish.
And then, of course, what kind of back-up plans do you have in place? It seems obvious to me that if it isn’t working for you or for him, he will need to be able to hop back on a plane and head home. How about in-between situations? What happens if things are difficult – how do you plan to resolve your differences? It strikes me as a potentially painful and damaging situation for everyone if you buy into the idea that you’re “stuck” with each other.
What made the other two times unpleasant for you? What was good about those two time? If you can address, in your own mind, what didn’t work for you before, you can put plans in place to prevent a repeat. If you can find the bits that worked, you can figure out how to have more of the good.
And since you are agreeing to this, I think it’s important for you to be able to really welcome him. Assume the best, and give him a real chance to meet or surpass your expectations. Expecting him to corrupt your kids and disappoint you isn’t going to be good for anyone. So look inside and figure out how you can be present in a positive way for yourself, your family, and this man.
I realize I haven’t really answered your question. I don’t know the answer – it’s so entirely dependent on the fine details and the individuals. The broad brushstrokes? Look for ways to support his independent endeavors. Protect what you love about your home and your family. Assume that you will be able to solve the problems you encounter.
I hope this is at least a little helpful!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Oh, sugar sugar...
“My children want to eat lots of foods that I dislike for their high sugar content and general yuckiness; mainly sweets and candies. I resent buying foods that I would not eat myself and that I can't seriously class as 'food' since they provide little to no nourishment. But I don't want to play the ogre and 'ban' them nor do I want to place them in the realm of desire and fantasy, out of reach and much longed for. I can't get my head around the idea that they will self-regulate when I have seen little evidence for it! Especially when I find sugar so addictive myself and find it hard to regulate when it is in the house. What to do when they seem to want this stuff daily?”
-- Claire
Sweets and candies might be devoid of vitamins and minerals and protein and fiber but all that sugar does provide energy. And they certainly taste good. When it comes to food, I think it’s important to remember that there are many criteria involved in deciding what to eat. Visual appeal, taste, smell, texture, how one feels after eating, ideas about nutrition, and so on. I think it’s all too common for adults to get so hung up on their ideas about nutrition that they forget about the importance of all of those other bits. Add in the heavy weight of parental responsibility for our kids, and you’ve got a recipe for guilt, doubt, despair, and, of course, coercion.
I like to believe that, given lots of options, people will naturally be interested in food that is attractive, tasty, and nourishing. Don’t know if I’m right about that or not, but it’s definitely my bias.
With that assumption in place, I think it makes sense for parents to be very active about offering attractive, delicious, and nourishing food to their kids. Premade candies are usually visually appealing, tasty, and very easy. No preparation required, no adult assistance necessary, just instant gratification. I think it’s common for people who ignore early hunger signs to go for the quick sugar fix once they feel their bodies getting sluggish. So one question that might be worth asking is simply this: how easy is it for kids to have access to other yummy food? How to make sure that good food is easily available? Berry bushes and fruit trees in the yard? Maybe some help yourself frittata on a low shelf in the fridge? Is there a bowl of seasonal fruit on the table? How about cheese cubes or sliced meat on hand in the fridge? Fun individual water bottles? (Sigg has some really nice ones, though they are certainly pricey.) Snack plates with fruit and veggies and meat and cheese and nuts? Fancy bento boxes to take outside?
I think if you shift the focus away from “Ack! They’re eating so much crap!” And on to “Hmmm… What delicious and nutritious food should I offer today?” You distance yourself from fear and policing, and move towards helping them learn about how to best feed their own bodies.
I think it’s also useful to talk about how foods make us feel, what is in different foods and how our bodies use all those different things. In an honest conversation about what’s in food, sugar as a quick source of energy is something that should, I think, be shared, along with some info about how protein helps our bodies build muscles, and how complex carbs help us have sustained energy (instead of the faster highs and lows of simple carbs), the importance of good fats, and on and on. Though, of course, droning on and on at your children, as I’m doing here, is definitely not recommended.
Just go foraging for some wild berries and enjoy a picnic lunch instead.
Ah, I just re-read your original question and I noticed that I glossed over something, namely this: “I resent buying foods that I would not eat myself and that I can't seriously class as 'food' since they provide little to no nourishment.” I think this definitely merits a closer look. Resent it why? Do you resent buying consumable art supplies? Or food that gets turned into magic potions instead of being eaten? Is there a really tight budget at play? I certainly don’t expect or even want you to answer all these questions here, with me – I’m just trying to help you see your own thoughts. Depending on what the underlying issues really are, it might be helpful to think of sweets and candies as belonging in the same realm as art supplies or toys – of course they must be budgeted for, but the money allotted for them should not be the same money that is allotted for food that the whole family eats. Meaning, it seems a mistake to me to deprive yourself of fresh strawberries so that you can buy candies you won’t even enjoy. Reclassifying candy as a fun learning tool instead of as food might help lighten your thinking about it. It might be fun, as a family, to talk about the foods that others would re-classify… Most kids I know are not impressed by having alcohol included in the food budget, for example. And there are always foods one person adores that another can’t imagine eating.
Of course, the other thing I glossed over is the idea that “I find sugar so addictive myself and find it hard to regulate when it is in the house.” Does this mean that they want candy, you buy it, and then you have to fight with yourself to keep from eating it? Or that you end up eating it and feeling crappy? If you can figure out what the real issues here are – financial, your own ideas about sugar addiction, or something else entirely, I think you’ll find ways of solving those problems. Maybe the candy needs to be in a treasure box only the kids have keys for. Maybe you need to start a local chapter of sugar-bingers anonymous. Maybe it’s time to start baking, or buy an ice cream maker.
Maybe I’m missing the most obvious answers of all – if so, maybe my musings will help you find ‘em.
-- Claire
Sweets and candies might be devoid of vitamins and minerals and protein and fiber but all that sugar does provide energy. And they certainly taste good. When it comes to food, I think it’s important to remember that there are many criteria involved in deciding what to eat. Visual appeal, taste, smell, texture, how one feels after eating, ideas about nutrition, and so on. I think it’s all too common for adults to get so hung up on their ideas about nutrition that they forget about the importance of all of those other bits. Add in the heavy weight of parental responsibility for our kids, and you’ve got a recipe for guilt, doubt, despair, and, of course, coercion.
I like to believe that, given lots of options, people will naturally be interested in food that is attractive, tasty, and nourishing. Don’t know if I’m right about that or not, but it’s definitely my bias.
With that assumption in place, I think it makes sense for parents to be very active about offering attractive, delicious, and nourishing food to their kids. Premade candies are usually visually appealing, tasty, and very easy. No preparation required, no adult assistance necessary, just instant gratification. I think it’s common for people who ignore early hunger signs to go for the quick sugar fix once they feel their bodies getting sluggish. So one question that might be worth asking is simply this: how easy is it for kids to have access to other yummy food? How to make sure that good food is easily available? Berry bushes and fruit trees in the yard? Maybe some help yourself frittata on a low shelf in the fridge? Is there a bowl of seasonal fruit on the table? How about cheese cubes or sliced meat on hand in the fridge? Fun individual water bottles? (Sigg has some really nice ones, though they are certainly pricey.) Snack plates with fruit and veggies and meat and cheese and nuts? Fancy bento boxes to take outside?
I think if you shift the focus away from “Ack! They’re eating so much crap!” And on to “Hmmm… What delicious and nutritious food should I offer today?” You distance yourself from fear and policing, and move towards helping them learn about how to best feed their own bodies.
I think it’s also useful to talk about how foods make us feel, what is in different foods and how our bodies use all those different things. In an honest conversation about what’s in food, sugar as a quick source of energy is something that should, I think, be shared, along with some info about how protein helps our bodies build muscles, and how complex carbs help us have sustained energy (instead of the faster highs and lows of simple carbs), the importance of good fats, and on and on. Though, of course, droning on and on at your children, as I’m doing here, is definitely not recommended.
Just go foraging for some wild berries and enjoy a picnic lunch instead.
Ah, I just re-read your original question and I noticed that I glossed over something, namely this: “I resent buying foods that I would not eat myself and that I can't seriously class as 'food' since they provide little to no nourishment.” I think this definitely merits a closer look. Resent it why? Do you resent buying consumable art supplies? Or food that gets turned into magic potions instead of being eaten? Is there a really tight budget at play? I certainly don’t expect or even want you to answer all these questions here, with me – I’m just trying to help you see your own thoughts. Depending on what the underlying issues really are, it might be helpful to think of sweets and candies as belonging in the same realm as art supplies or toys – of course they must be budgeted for, but the money allotted for them should not be the same money that is allotted for food that the whole family eats. Meaning, it seems a mistake to me to deprive yourself of fresh strawberries so that you can buy candies you won’t even enjoy. Reclassifying candy as a fun learning tool instead of as food might help lighten your thinking about it. It might be fun, as a family, to talk about the foods that others would re-classify… Most kids I know are not impressed by having alcohol included in the food budget, for example. And there are always foods one person adores that another can’t imagine eating.
Of course, the other thing I glossed over is the idea that “I find sugar so addictive myself and find it hard to regulate when it is in the house.” Does this mean that they want candy, you buy it, and then you have to fight with yourself to keep from eating it? Or that you end up eating it and feeling crappy? If you can figure out what the real issues here are – financial, your own ideas about sugar addiction, or something else entirely, I think you’ll find ways of solving those problems. Maybe the candy needs to be in a treasure box only the kids have keys for. Maybe you need to start a local chapter of sugar-bingers anonymous. Maybe it’s time to start baking, or buy an ice cream maker.
Maybe I’m missing the most obvious answers of all – if so, maybe my musings will help you find ‘em.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Gone Girlfriend
“My girlfriend is gone for a couple of weeks. I miss her. What should I do?”
--All Alone and Lonely
Ah, the lewd jokes I could write…
Missing someone means so many different things. I think it can be useful to unravel those strands a bit. Do you miss talking to her? Snuggling with her? Seeing her smile? Playing a game together? Hearing her laugh at a joke?
Figuring out what is missed can make finding a solution easier. (And yes, I do know that sometimes we just miss everything single thing there is about a person. If so, I promise it won't hurt to try some of my ideas anyway. I freely admit that there are no miracle cures.) Talking on the phone can be glorious. Sometimes the extra distance and the focus that the phone imposes create a very valuable space for discussing all kinds of things. Physical touch is important for people – a hug from a friend, visiting a much-loved niece or nephew, getting a massage, taking a very hands-on martial arts class – there are many ways to increase physical contact, which can do a lot to alleviate some feelings of physical isolation. Taking note of mundane things she’ll enjoy hearing about can be great fun. Good pictures of each other can be invaluable. And a well-worn unwashed t-shirt is a great snuggle aid. Of course, hanging out with friends and enjoying games, movies, life – that’s all good. Always good, actually.
I think a lot of my ideas boil down to two basic concepts… Find ways to connect with her and honor her unique importance to you, AND find ways to meet some of the needs she usually fills on your own and with friends.
And then enjoy her homecoming.
--All Alone and Lonely
Ah, the lewd jokes I could write…
Missing someone means so many different things. I think it can be useful to unravel those strands a bit. Do you miss talking to her? Snuggling with her? Seeing her smile? Playing a game together? Hearing her laugh at a joke?
Figuring out what is missed can make finding a solution easier. (And yes, I do know that sometimes we just miss everything single thing there is about a person. If so, I promise it won't hurt to try some of my ideas anyway. I freely admit that there are no miracle cures.) Talking on the phone can be glorious. Sometimes the extra distance and the focus that the phone imposes create a very valuable space for discussing all kinds of things. Physical touch is important for people – a hug from a friend, visiting a much-loved niece or nephew, getting a massage, taking a very hands-on martial arts class – there are many ways to increase physical contact, which can do a lot to alleviate some feelings of physical isolation. Taking note of mundane things she’ll enjoy hearing about can be great fun. Good pictures of each other can be invaluable. And a well-worn unwashed t-shirt is a great snuggle aid. Of course, hanging out with friends and enjoying games, movies, life – that’s all good. Always good, actually.
I think a lot of my ideas boil down to two basic concepts… Find ways to connect with her and honor her unique importance to you, AND find ways to meet some of the needs she usually fills on your own and with friends.
And then enjoy her homecoming.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Self Sacrifice
"I don't want to make my kids do things they don't want to do, but I hate feeling like their slave. How can I avoid being a martyr? Why does giving them what they want mean giving up what I want?"
--Frustrated mom of four.
Parental self-sacrifice creates unhappy child tyrants and unhappy mama (or papa) martyrs. It is a default solution for the same reason that coercion is a default solution -- we assume from the outset that if there is a conflict, somebody has to lose. When parents and kids who disagree are pitted against each other, as is the case in almost every article in almost every parenting magazine out there, everyone loses. If we accept the me vs. you mentality, then our choices are either to help our kids at our own expense, or to help ourselves while our kids suffer. I always thought I was lucky because my parents perpetually chose to help me while they suffered... Then I became a parent, and you know what, I didn't want to suffer! There must be a better way, I thought...
But how?
The TCS solution to conflicts is to find a common preference. (I'm only talking about genuine conflicts that actually impact both parent and child -- not hair brushing and clothing choices and all that personal domain jazz.) A common preference is a solution that everyone involved truly prefers to any other options that have been discussed. This means that everyone involved is happier with this solution than they were with their original idea. Sounds easy, I think. Sounds possible. Sounds simple.
It's not. At least, not always. When it's simple, you don't even notice it happening. When it's hard, well, you don't think about much else. The thing is, there are no rules now. Everything is open-ended. It's like that trick environmentalist question, what do you say when the cashier asks "paper or plastic?" And the right answer -- "cloth."
Who wins, you or me? The right answer -- we both do. If I want to go out to dinner, and you want to see a movie, our solution might be to eat first then go to the movie, or to sneak take-out into the theater, or to order pizza and rent a video, or to go have a picnic in the park and fly a kite. Solutions are not pre-fabricated. There is no such thing as one-size-fits-all.
So, how on earth does one do this when one is essentially programmed to self-sacrifice? Ya got me! I have no idea.
Okay, that isn't totally true. I think some of the most important things for martyred parents to do include:
-Accepting that even if you feel like you are programmed to self-sacrifice, you have the power and the tools to change that programming.
-Believing that you can change your mind, as can everyone else you love.
-Figuring out what your own personal "self-sacrifice is imminent" physical, emotional, or intellectual warning signs are.
-Figuring out what you really want, in a big-picture way as well as in all the mundane moments.
-Learning how to verbalize what your wants are without accusations or acrimony.
-Getting support from family and friends to enable time alone for pursuing interests that are personally exciting and fulfilling.
-Figuring out how to not do things that you don't want to do. Maybe those things don't need doing, or maybe someone else can do them, or maybe just thinking about all your options will bring you to the realization that you actually do want to do those things after all.
-Remembering that what you do choose to do you are doing for reasons that are important to you.
-Knowing that what you do today does not create debt owed to you. You are making your choices based on what you want now.
-Celebrating your choices, and acknowledging that nobody is making you do anything -- you are your own person.
-Figuring out how to feel empowered and happy with the life that you have created for yourself, and if that feels impossible, then looking long, hard, and deeply at your life to unravel the barriers before you and to find what it is that you truly want for yourself.
As always, I hope something here helps.
--Frustrated mom of four.
Parental self-sacrifice creates unhappy child tyrants and unhappy mama (or papa) martyrs. It is a default solution for the same reason that coercion is a default solution -- we assume from the outset that if there is a conflict, somebody has to lose. When parents and kids who disagree are pitted against each other, as is the case in almost every article in almost every parenting magazine out there, everyone loses. If we accept the me vs. you mentality, then our choices are either to help our kids at our own expense, or to help ourselves while our kids suffer. I always thought I was lucky because my parents perpetually chose to help me while they suffered... Then I became a parent, and you know what, I didn't want to suffer! There must be a better way, I thought...
But how?
The TCS solution to conflicts is to find a common preference. (I'm only talking about genuine conflicts that actually impact both parent and child -- not hair brushing and clothing choices and all that personal domain jazz.) A common preference is a solution that everyone involved truly prefers to any other options that have been discussed. This means that everyone involved is happier with this solution than they were with their original idea. Sounds easy, I think. Sounds possible. Sounds simple.
It's not. At least, not always. When it's simple, you don't even notice it happening. When it's hard, well, you don't think about much else. The thing is, there are no rules now. Everything is open-ended. It's like that trick environmentalist question, what do you say when the cashier asks "paper or plastic?" And the right answer -- "cloth."
Who wins, you or me? The right answer -- we both do. If I want to go out to dinner, and you want to see a movie, our solution might be to eat first then go to the movie, or to sneak take-out into the theater, or to order pizza and rent a video, or to go have a picnic in the park and fly a kite. Solutions are not pre-fabricated. There is no such thing as one-size-fits-all.
So, how on earth does one do this when one is essentially programmed to self-sacrifice? Ya got me! I have no idea.
Okay, that isn't totally true. I think some of the most important things for martyred parents to do include:
-Accepting that even if you feel like you are programmed to self-sacrifice, you have the power and the tools to change that programming.
-Believing that you can change your mind, as can everyone else you love.
-Figuring out what your own personal "self-sacrifice is imminent" physical, emotional, or intellectual warning signs are.
-Figuring out what you really want, in a big-picture way as well as in all the mundane moments.
-Learning how to verbalize what your wants are without accusations or acrimony.
-Getting support from family and friends to enable time alone for pursuing interests that are personally exciting and fulfilling.
-Figuring out how to not do things that you don't want to do. Maybe those things don't need doing, or maybe someone else can do them, or maybe just thinking about all your options will bring you to the realization that you actually do want to do those things after all.
-Remembering that what you do choose to do you are doing for reasons that are important to you.
-Knowing that what you do today does not create debt owed to you. You are making your choices based on what you want now.
-Celebrating your choices, and acknowledging that nobody is making you do anything -- you are your own person.
-Figuring out how to feel empowered and happy with the life that you have created for yourself, and if that feels impossible, then looking long, hard, and deeply at your life to unravel the barriers before you and to find what it is that you truly want for yourself.
As always, I hope something here helps.
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