“What is the best way to react to a child repeatedly saying “I don’t like Sally.” Sally being her sister, and the phrase is repeated over and over and over whenever the child feels this mood and her sister is near – say wanting in the tub with her, wanting to eat at the same dinner table etc. It doesn’t make sense to tell a child that they DO like Sally, but wondering out loud about the possibility of confusing terms and/or feelings does happen. “I wonder if you are just wanting some space from Sally right now. That might be a kinder way to express your feelings.” Though I wonder too if that’s not the same as telling the child what they think. It seems this is more mom’s issue than either child’s for the most part.
I would love to know what Nawny would do in a similar situation!”
--Sass
I think there is a difference between telling someone what they think and trying to help someone figure out what they want.
I also think that it can be easy to focus on the language that is hard for us, as parents, to hear, and then to focus in on the person saying those things. Sometimes it’s much more helpful in a situation like the one described above to turn our attention to the person that isn’t saying things that tap our parental worry/guilt buttons. Talking to Sally instead of her sister, for example. “Sounds like your sister wants some space. Why don’t you and I go play over there?” Let go of the difficult interaction, come back to it when it is less loaded.
I think one of the hardest things about parenting more than one child is figuring out who to help and how to help when our kids’ wants are directly conflicting. It’s important in such a situation to be really flexible in our attempts to help, and to be very aware of our own biases.
I hope something here proves useful!
Friday, July 4, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Absent Father
“I am a single parent and we have absolutely no involvement with my child's father. I moved away before my child was born. During the crisis, I found out that the father was severely abused as a child and I have his own written word documenting what he experienced as a child. The father did many calls always with hang up until my child was several months old. We do not have any contact, including any child support, etc.
With Father's Day here, my five-year-old is asking why father doesn't ever call, where does father live, do we have the phone number, can we go visit, etc. If I know the answer, I give it. I don't say anything negative (or positive) about this man. I do have a picture if my child asks but he never has.
Years ago, his older cousin told him that the father was a 'bad man.' We discussed this briefly when it occurred but it has not been brought up since.
I'm more concerned about what to say to my child's questions and requests. I do let him know how special it is that we live together with his grandparents. I honestly do not consider it wise to try to make any contact with the father.”
-- Wondering
I’ve read this over and over again. I think it’s an awfully sad story. But I’ve been pretty stumped by it as a question. I keep re-reading, searching for what I can add that might be helpful, questions I can ask that might be useful.
I don’t really know what to say.
I do know that I think choosing not to share the picture you have unless it is asked for strikes me as a lie of omission. I think the questions your son has asked clearly indicate that he wants to know more. He doesn’t know there is a picture he can ask to see. If he did, I’m willing to bet that he’d be asking to see it.
I’m also not sure I understand the point of not saying anything positive or negative about his father. The truth is, there are positive and negative things to say about any individual alive. It sounds to me like it’s easier for you to treat his dad like a sperm donor. The problem with that is that he wasn’t just a sperm donor. You did know the man. Your family knew (or at least knows about) the man. Your reference to a pivotal crisis implies that there was emotional and physical involvement between you and the father leading up to that crisis. The bottom line is simply that you do have information that your son wants – more information than you are choosing to share with him.
What, exactly, are you trying to protect him from?
Is it right for his cousin to know more about your son’s father than he does?
What is the danger in sharing what you once liked or even loved about his father?
What is the danger in sharing what you know about how his father was hurt as a child, and how that kind of pain can permanently damage a person?
What is the danger in sharing that you and his father both thought your son would be safer and happier without his involvement in your son’s life? (While his father might not have ever stated this explicitly, his choices – to call and hang up, and then to just fade out, suggest that he chose to let go. He agreed with your assessment.)
I think it is important for you to think about these things. It seems to me that helping your child learn more about his father could be a positive thing for both of you. I don’t think keeping secrets from people who are craving that information usually works out very well.
What if your child stops asking you, and starts turning to his cousin for information?
Or maybe I’m really misunderstanding?
Maybe the questions your son is asking are questions that speak to logistics, not personality? Maybe he doesn’t want this level of information at this time?
Maybe hearing that his dad was abused and violent and unsafe would just be scary and depressing and not helpful?
Maybe knowing that his mother trusted someone violent and unsafe would be unnecessarily painful?
I don’t know. Maybe.
Or maybe knowing that people make mistakes is simply part of being human. Maybe there is value in knowing that sometimes it is braver and more loving to let go than it is to stay connected and hurt someone. Maybe, considering that you think it would be a mistake to try to make contact, you need to talk to your son about why that would be a mistake so that he doesn’t attempt to do it on his own. It seems to me that it will be far better for him to hear the details from you than from a misinformed relative.
I really do not know. I don’t even know if I’ve addressed the parts of your story that you wanted me to address. You're the one that will have to work to unravel all of this. Maybe it will help to think about what you were wanting from me... What are you uncertain about? What are your real questions? Because the truth is, you know better than I do. You know your questions, and you will know your answers.
I hope something here is useful. And I hope you will let me know if I’ve just totally and completely missed the mark.
With Father's Day here, my five-year-old is asking why father doesn't ever call, where does father live, do we have the phone number, can we go visit, etc. If I know the answer, I give it. I don't say anything negative (or positive) about this man. I do have a picture if my child asks but he never has.
Years ago, his older cousin told him that the father was a 'bad man.' We discussed this briefly when it occurred but it has not been brought up since.
I'm more concerned about what to say to my child's questions and requests. I do let him know how special it is that we live together with his grandparents. I honestly do not consider it wise to try to make any contact with the father.”
-- Wondering
I’ve read this over and over again. I think it’s an awfully sad story. But I’ve been pretty stumped by it as a question. I keep re-reading, searching for what I can add that might be helpful, questions I can ask that might be useful.
I don’t really know what to say.
I do know that I think choosing not to share the picture you have unless it is asked for strikes me as a lie of omission. I think the questions your son has asked clearly indicate that he wants to know more. He doesn’t know there is a picture he can ask to see. If he did, I’m willing to bet that he’d be asking to see it.
I’m also not sure I understand the point of not saying anything positive or negative about his father. The truth is, there are positive and negative things to say about any individual alive. It sounds to me like it’s easier for you to treat his dad like a sperm donor. The problem with that is that he wasn’t just a sperm donor. You did know the man. Your family knew (or at least knows about) the man. Your reference to a pivotal crisis implies that there was emotional and physical involvement between you and the father leading up to that crisis. The bottom line is simply that you do have information that your son wants – more information than you are choosing to share with him.
What, exactly, are you trying to protect him from?
Is it right for his cousin to know more about your son’s father than he does?
What is the danger in sharing what you once liked or even loved about his father?
What is the danger in sharing what you know about how his father was hurt as a child, and how that kind of pain can permanently damage a person?
What is the danger in sharing that you and his father both thought your son would be safer and happier without his involvement in your son’s life? (While his father might not have ever stated this explicitly, his choices – to call and hang up, and then to just fade out, suggest that he chose to let go. He agreed with your assessment.)
I think it is important for you to think about these things. It seems to me that helping your child learn more about his father could be a positive thing for both of you. I don’t think keeping secrets from people who are craving that information usually works out very well.
What if your child stops asking you, and starts turning to his cousin for information?
Or maybe I’m really misunderstanding?
Maybe the questions your son is asking are questions that speak to logistics, not personality? Maybe he doesn’t want this level of information at this time?
Maybe hearing that his dad was abused and violent and unsafe would just be scary and depressing and not helpful?
Maybe knowing that his mother trusted someone violent and unsafe would be unnecessarily painful?
I don’t know. Maybe.
Or maybe knowing that people make mistakes is simply part of being human. Maybe there is value in knowing that sometimes it is braver and more loving to let go than it is to stay connected and hurt someone. Maybe, considering that you think it would be a mistake to try to make contact, you need to talk to your son about why that would be a mistake so that he doesn’t attempt to do it on his own. It seems to me that it will be far better for him to hear the details from you than from a misinformed relative.
I really do not know. I don’t even know if I’ve addressed the parts of your story that you wanted me to address. You're the one that will have to work to unravel all of this. Maybe it will help to think about what you were wanting from me... What are you uncertain about? What are your real questions? Because the truth is, you know better than I do. You know your questions, and you will know your answers.
I hope something here is useful. And I hope you will let me know if I’ve just totally and completely missed the mark.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Recovery
“Parent is currently seeking treatment for substance abuse. Through therapy, this parent has discovered that the substance abuse was a form of self-medication. While using, the parent feels as if they were relaxed and free of anxiety, withdrawal from this substance currently leaves the parent restless, irritable, and discontent. The children are in the unfortunate predicament of witnessing the parent's mood swings and depression. Every display of anger leaves the parent in a further state of depression and self-loathing. Parent is assured that these intense feelings are natural and will pass, but are still painful regardless. How can the parent nurture and protect the children while making hir recovery a top priority?”
-- Anonymous
Anger, depression, and self-loathing might be natural responses to physical withdrawal, but that doesn’t mean we should just bite the bullet and wait for them to pass. I think you are absolutely right to want to prevent the pain. I agree that it is worthwhile to look for solutions now – I think it is far too common for depression to become habitual, so figuring out how to break the thoughts that lead there and the expression of those thoughts that is counter to greater intentions seems to me to be very important.
Also, you mention that substance abuse was a form of self-medication. I think it’s important to look closely at why self-medication was needed. What is replacing the formerly abused substance? I think when we’re in pain, we need to address the root causes of that pain while applying quick fixes. Self-medicating via substance abuse doesn’t address the root causes. Neither does stopping the substance abuse. The bigger issue here needs to be addressed, whether that is done via therapy or prescribed medications or light treatments or acupuncture or massage or yoga or meditation or nutrition or exercise or vitamin supplements or something else or a combination of some or all of the above will depend entirely on the specifics of the individual. In other words, figure out what leads you to self-medicate, and do what you can to address that issue (or those issues). It is imperative, I think, that you be willing to approach these problems from more than one perspective. Nobody really understands how the human mind works. Humans have lots of different theories about it. Ultimately, however, it is YOUR mind, and it is up to you to find the theories that fit best for you – the answers that best solve your unique problems.
But the core of your question was how to nurture and protect the children during a difficult time for the parent – and I think that requires help, in the form of other adults. If there is a parent-partner, then the two of you need to figure out together how the other parent can take over as much as possible so that you can work through your physical and emotional difficulties without hurting people that you love. It’s also critical that you reach out to family and friends, and enlist more help. That might mean talking about the actual problems you’re having. It might mean setting up more playdates and overnights. And if you’re a solo parent, then it is time to lean very hard on friends and family. I think you need to do two crucial things now. One is to work hard on breaking the patterns you’ve established that are hurting your kids. The other is to physically protect your kids and make sure that they have other people they love nurturing them while you’re moving forward, while you’re in a place of making a lot of mistakes. If you can’t change yourself fast enough, you can at least change your frequency of interactions for a time.
Guilt is a word you didn’t use at all, but I think it is very, very, very likely that guilt is the source of this: “Every display of anger leaves the parent in a further state of depression and self-loathing.” If I’m right, then there is a really nasty cycle starting here, one that needs to be seen and dismantled ASAP. Guilt serves one useful purpose – it shows us what we don’t want to do, who we don’t want to be. Once we’ve recognized that, it is crucial that we let it go. Let go of the mistake, and let go of the guilt. The real danger of feeling guilty is that if we get stuck in that feeling, we are setting ourselves up to fail. Feeling guilty makes it harder to see what we are doing right, what is going well, what we feel good about. Instead, guilt focuses very harshly on how we have failed, with an assumption that those failings are permanently damaging and irreparable. This leads, not to more success, but to more failing – often the same mistakes are repeated, creating more guilt, which leads to, yes, more misery. In order to learn from mistakes, we have to let them go. We have to see ourselves as separate from our mistakes. Guilt attaches our identity to our mistakes, and gets stuck there. So, if I’m at all right with this guess, you need to recognize what you are doing that is positive – tackling a very big problem (substance abuse). Unraveling these internal problems (substance abuse and the underlying causes) is a hugely positive thing.
And don’t stop there! Look at the small stuff. What can you do differently when feelings of frustration start creeping in? What helps you stay calm and centered? There is a way that we can assume we need to ride a feeling through to the end, and I think it can be very freeing to recognize the falseness of that. We can change gears anytime. We can start down a bad path, recognize that, and stop. Turn around. Find another way forward. Just because anger is rising, just because depression is descending, doesn’t mean we have to follow that pattern through to the end. We can, if we figure out how, turn it around. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we start doing that, the better. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in the guilt cycle and figure out how to let that go by calling a friend, or by snuggling with your child, or by feeding yourself a good meal. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in the anger cycle and break it by focusing on your breath, or by going outside, or by opening the curtains to let in some sunlight. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in self-pity and break it by taking a long bath or making a cup of tea or putting on a favorite CD. The specifics that I’m listing are not important. What is important is that you realize that YOU have the power to shift your own mental landscape, the power to choose where to focus your thoughts. How you do that, well, that’s up to you. I’m just reminding you that it is possible. And that you won’t always figure it out. So focus on noticing when you do figure it out. Focus on whatever helps you stay clear, calm, separate from what is hard.
I don’t know how helpful this will be. I don’t know whether it’s even really possible for me to help you at all. I strongly, strongly encourage you to talk to people face to face about everything you wrote to me. Find support where you are. Ask for help. Ask for help. Ask for help. Know that sometimes people won’t be able to help you, and ask anyway. Keep asking until you realize you’re doing okay. Then, remember to return the favor.
-- Anonymous
Anger, depression, and self-loathing might be natural responses to physical withdrawal, but that doesn’t mean we should just bite the bullet and wait for them to pass. I think you are absolutely right to want to prevent the pain. I agree that it is worthwhile to look for solutions now – I think it is far too common for depression to become habitual, so figuring out how to break the thoughts that lead there and the expression of those thoughts that is counter to greater intentions seems to me to be very important.
Also, you mention that substance abuse was a form of self-medication. I think it’s important to look closely at why self-medication was needed. What is replacing the formerly abused substance? I think when we’re in pain, we need to address the root causes of that pain while applying quick fixes. Self-medicating via substance abuse doesn’t address the root causes. Neither does stopping the substance abuse. The bigger issue here needs to be addressed, whether that is done via therapy or prescribed medications or light treatments or acupuncture or massage or yoga or meditation or nutrition or exercise or vitamin supplements or something else or a combination of some or all of the above will depend entirely on the specifics of the individual. In other words, figure out what leads you to self-medicate, and do what you can to address that issue (or those issues). It is imperative, I think, that you be willing to approach these problems from more than one perspective. Nobody really understands how the human mind works. Humans have lots of different theories about it. Ultimately, however, it is YOUR mind, and it is up to you to find the theories that fit best for you – the answers that best solve your unique problems.
But the core of your question was how to nurture and protect the children during a difficult time for the parent – and I think that requires help, in the form of other adults. If there is a parent-partner, then the two of you need to figure out together how the other parent can take over as much as possible so that you can work through your physical and emotional difficulties without hurting people that you love. It’s also critical that you reach out to family and friends, and enlist more help. That might mean talking about the actual problems you’re having. It might mean setting up more playdates and overnights. And if you’re a solo parent, then it is time to lean very hard on friends and family. I think you need to do two crucial things now. One is to work hard on breaking the patterns you’ve established that are hurting your kids. The other is to physically protect your kids and make sure that they have other people they love nurturing them while you’re moving forward, while you’re in a place of making a lot of mistakes. If you can’t change yourself fast enough, you can at least change your frequency of interactions for a time.
Guilt is a word you didn’t use at all, but I think it is very, very, very likely that guilt is the source of this: “Every display of anger leaves the parent in a further state of depression and self-loathing.” If I’m right, then there is a really nasty cycle starting here, one that needs to be seen and dismantled ASAP. Guilt serves one useful purpose – it shows us what we don’t want to do, who we don’t want to be. Once we’ve recognized that, it is crucial that we let it go. Let go of the mistake, and let go of the guilt. The real danger of feeling guilty is that if we get stuck in that feeling, we are setting ourselves up to fail. Feeling guilty makes it harder to see what we are doing right, what is going well, what we feel good about. Instead, guilt focuses very harshly on how we have failed, with an assumption that those failings are permanently damaging and irreparable. This leads, not to more success, but to more failing – often the same mistakes are repeated, creating more guilt, which leads to, yes, more misery. In order to learn from mistakes, we have to let them go. We have to see ourselves as separate from our mistakes. Guilt attaches our identity to our mistakes, and gets stuck there. So, if I’m at all right with this guess, you need to recognize what you are doing that is positive – tackling a very big problem (substance abuse). Unraveling these internal problems (substance abuse and the underlying causes) is a hugely positive thing.
And don’t stop there! Look at the small stuff. What can you do differently when feelings of frustration start creeping in? What helps you stay calm and centered? There is a way that we can assume we need to ride a feeling through to the end, and I think it can be very freeing to recognize the falseness of that. We can change gears anytime. We can start down a bad path, recognize that, and stop. Turn around. Find another way forward. Just because anger is rising, just because depression is descending, doesn’t mean we have to follow that pattern through to the end. We can, if we figure out how, turn it around. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we start doing that, the better. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in the guilt cycle and figure out how to let that go by calling a friend, or by snuggling with your child, or by feeding yourself a good meal. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in the anger cycle and break it by focusing on your breath, or by going outside, or by opening the curtains to let in some sunlight. Maybe you’ll catch yourself in self-pity and break it by taking a long bath or making a cup of tea or putting on a favorite CD. The specifics that I’m listing are not important. What is important is that you realize that YOU have the power to shift your own mental landscape, the power to choose where to focus your thoughts. How you do that, well, that’s up to you. I’m just reminding you that it is possible. And that you won’t always figure it out. So focus on noticing when you do figure it out. Focus on whatever helps you stay clear, calm, separate from what is hard.
I don’t know how helpful this will be. I don’t know whether it’s even really possible for me to help you at all. I strongly, strongly encourage you to talk to people face to face about everything you wrote to me. Find support where you are. Ask for help. Ask for help. Ask for help. Know that sometimes people won’t be able to help you, and ask anyway. Keep asking until you realize you’re doing okay. Then, remember to return the favor.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Struggling with Food
“I struggle with my weight. When my child was about 2, and I was still choosing to have complete control over what food was in the house and how often or rarely we ate sweets, I was able to lose a bunch of weight and it felt great. It's not just vanity, I have more energy, etc. when I'm at a healthier weight.
Now that I am keeping more sweet stuff in the house, and trying to create a sense of abundance around food, I have gained back all that I lost plus some, and I can't seem to lose it. It is too hard to have all this yummy stuff around and not eat it when I'm tired or frustrated.
I do not want to make my child a part of my issues about food and eating, so do not want to enlist hir "help" in keeping the sweets out of sight or anything like that.
Got any good thinking points for me?”
--Josie
It seems to me like you’ve got two solid areas to consider – change your internal thinking about food, or change your external environment. Within those areas, you’ve got a lot of options, and I think it’s important to remember that you can work on both areas at the same time. (Set your environment up so that success is easy while also working on dismantling thought patterns that trip you up.)
One important thing I think you need to be aware of is simply that your child, by virtue of living with you, is going to see your issues with food. Maybe that means seeing you indulge in sweet stuff when you’re tired and frustrated, or seeing you put sweet stuff in a special locked cabinet, or seeing you take ten deep breaths and count to 100 every single time you look at a sugary treat, or or or or or… Whatever you do, however you choose to deal with or hide from this issue, that will be part of your child’s environment and frame of reference. I don’t think that talking explicitly with your child about your issues with food will “make” your child part of your issues. I do think that, whether you like it or not, your issues are likely to have some impact on how your child views food. I think there is a difference between saying “I’m buying this for you, so I’m putting it in this drawer/bin/Tupperware/cupboard,” and saying “I’m buying this for you, don’t ever share any with me not matter how much I beg and plead, and always leave it locked so I can’t sneak no matter how much I want to.” Does it change how you view the food if it’s in a drawer with your child’s name on it vs. being in a communal cupboard? Do you want it more or less? (I don’t think there’s a right answer to that one. I think what matters is that you know YOUR answer. If you’ll crave it more if it is supposed to be someone else’s, than give yourself permission to eat it. If you feel freed from wanting it by seeing it as someone else’s, than slap a nametag on it and let it go.)
Some things to think about…
Solve for the exhaustion and frustration that trigger binging you feel bad about. Find ways that consistently work for you to get rest and feel mellow.
Exercise more. Go for walks, ride a bike to the store, get Wii Fit, do yoga in your living room, treat cleaning up as a hardcore workout, do ten jumping jacks and ten pushups every single time you feel remotely crappy, frustrated, tired, hungry, sad, angry, etc.
Read about Margaret Cho’s “fuck it” diet, and consider dismissing all the rest of this “advice” of mine completely.
http://www.margaretcho.com/blog/2003/11/06/the-fuck-it-diet.html
Stop yourself for a second before eating anything to think about what you’re feeding – your belly, your tongue, your emotions – and whether the food in your hand is the best solution you can think of. Plan ahead. Have a friend to call for when you need emotional support. Give yourself permission to taste things and then spit them in the garbage, or to take a nibble of something and toss the rest in the trash. Make a list of food that gives you energy and satisfies your belly, and post it on your fridge. Make sure your kitchen is stocked with vegetables that are ready to eat, fruit in pretty bowls in obvious places, quick protein snacks on hand (nuts, hard boiled eggs, good meat ready to eat), and so on.
Come up with other ideas for how to soothe yourself if you do end up frustrated or tired – music, light, scents, touch, exercise, sleep, conversations… Then do those things. Put your lists on the cupboards or on the fridge. Stop yourself when you see them, and read them.
You are right that this is your problem. Now you just need to figure out how you want to solve it. I hope something here proves useful.
Now that I am keeping more sweet stuff in the house, and trying to create a sense of abundance around food, I have gained back all that I lost plus some, and I can't seem to lose it. It is too hard to have all this yummy stuff around and not eat it when I'm tired or frustrated.
I do not want to make my child a part of my issues about food and eating, so do not want to enlist hir "help" in keeping the sweets out of sight or anything like that.
Got any good thinking points for me?”
--Josie
It seems to me like you’ve got two solid areas to consider – change your internal thinking about food, or change your external environment. Within those areas, you’ve got a lot of options, and I think it’s important to remember that you can work on both areas at the same time. (Set your environment up so that success is easy while also working on dismantling thought patterns that trip you up.)
One important thing I think you need to be aware of is simply that your child, by virtue of living with you, is going to see your issues with food. Maybe that means seeing you indulge in sweet stuff when you’re tired and frustrated, or seeing you put sweet stuff in a special locked cabinet, or seeing you take ten deep breaths and count to 100 every single time you look at a sugary treat, or or or or or… Whatever you do, however you choose to deal with or hide from this issue, that will be part of your child’s environment and frame of reference. I don’t think that talking explicitly with your child about your issues with food will “make” your child part of your issues. I do think that, whether you like it or not, your issues are likely to have some impact on how your child views food. I think there is a difference between saying “I’m buying this for you, so I’m putting it in this drawer/bin/Tupperware/cupboard,” and saying “I’m buying this for you, don’t ever share any with me not matter how much I beg and plead, and always leave it locked so I can’t sneak no matter how much I want to.” Does it change how you view the food if it’s in a drawer with your child’s name on it vs. being in a communal cupboard? Do you want it more or less? (I don’t think there’s a right answer to that one. I think what matters is that you know YOUR answer. If you’ll crave it more if it is supposed to be someone else’s, than give yourself permission to eat it. If you feel freed from wanting it by seeing it as someone else’s, than slap a nametag on it and let it go.)
Some things to think about…
Solve for the exhaustion and frustration that trigger binging you feel bad about. Find ways that consistently work for you to get rest and feel mellow.
Exercise more. Go for walks, ride a bike to the store, get Wii Fit, do yoga in your living room, treat cleaning up as a hardcore workout, do ten jumping jacks and ten pushups every single time you feel remotely crappy, frustrated, tired, hungry, sad, angry, etc.
Read about Margaret Cho’s “fuck it” diet, and consider dismissing all the rest of this “advice” of mine completely.
http://www.margaretcho.com/blog/2003/11/06/the-fuck-it-diet.html
Stop yourself for a second before eating anything to think about what you’re feeding – your belly, your tongue, your emotions – and whether the food in your hand is the best solution you can think of. Plan ahead. Have a friend to call for when you need emotional support. Give yourself permission to taste things and then spit them in the garbage, or to take a nibble of something and toss the rest in the trash. Make a list of food that gives you energy and satisfies your belly, and post it on your fridge. Make sure your kitchen is stocked with vegetables that are ready to eat, fruit in pretty bowls in obvious places, quick protein snacks on hand (nuts, hard boiled eggs, good meat ready to eat), and so on.
Come up with other ideas for how to soothe yourself if you do end up frustrated or tired – music, light, scents, touch, exercise, sleep, conversations… Then do those things. Put your lists on the cupboards or on the fridge. Stop yourself when you see them, and read them.
You are right that this is your problem. Now you just need to figure out how you want to solve it. I hope something here proves useful.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Liar, Liar
“Help! Someone is manipulating my child, telling them what a bad parent and person I am, fueling any discomfort we have, and basically putting himself between me and my child! Child loves this person and won't stop seeing them. What can I do? I don't want to create a war inside my child's head, that is the definition of coercion, but I want my child to trust me! I don't trust this person so a talk with them is out of the question. (To be honest, I believe this person would do almost exactly the opposite of anything I said, just to piss me off.)”
--Frustrated
Tricky, tricky, tricky.
I find myself thinking a lot about the exact nature of the relationships here, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. How is it different if the manipulative person is the child’s best friend? Other parent? Beloved uncle? Stepsister? Grandparent? Next-door neighbor? Is it different?
When I think about it, people cut other people out of their lives in all kinds of situations, so if the child didn’t want to see this person, the problem would be solved. But the child DOES want to see this person. The child loves this person.
So then I wonder how we can break down the problem… What does it mean to manipulate someone? To feed them misinformation? To try to lead them to set conclusions?
There are no perfect parents. All relationships have occasional discomfort. For someone to choose to dig into someone else’s relationship and try to expose it as “bad” seems unnecessary and potentially cruel to me. I think this is clearly how you’re perceiving the situation. There is a real danger here that anything you do to show how wrong the other person is for trying to manipulate your child will be perceived as you choosing to dig into someone else’s relationship and try to expose it as “bad.” Do you see what I mean? Going on the offense seems to me to set you up to become exactly what you dislike about this other person.
Your child loves you. And your child loves this manipulative person. Let’s assume the manipulator loves the child. The right thing for you, the parent, and this manipulative but important person to do seems to me to each have your own separate relationship with the child. Meaning it doesn’t make sense to me for the three of you to hang out together. Or to discuss each other with your child. You can’t control what the manipulator says or does. You can control how you react, and how you act in the first place.
I think that the ideal way forward is to assume the absolute best of your own child. And to protect your own mind. I’m thinking this might mean coming up with an easy answer for reports about the manipulator “hmmm, that’s interesting. I don’t see it that way.” And then let it go. If your child wants to talk more about it, listen. What’s that old saying? If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all? Politely disagree, but don’t get into judging his character. If you are the parent you want to be, then whether the other person claims you are “bad” or not will be irrelevant – you and your child know the truth.
I don’t think people are actually very easy to manipulate – I think we tend to believe what supports what we already know, if that makes sense. So if there are weak areas in your relationship with your child, work on those areas because it is important to you to do so. Strengthen yourself, and your relationship with your child, and what the manipulator says and does will not matter. If you are strong, and your relationship with your child is strong, then the manipulator will become irrelevant, a ghost.
I think if you see this, if this rings true to you, then it might even be possible to turn those attempts at manipulation to your advantage. If something you hear stings, be kind to yourself, and see that as valuable information that there is an area you are not happy with, a place where you can focus on being more present and growing in a positive direction. The manipulator might give specific language to your child, but he cannot control how your child feels or what your child believes. So listen, and be the parent you want to be, and know that the words you hear might be triggering unnecessary reactions for you, so try to get past those reactions and hear the substance, where your child is unhappy, and address that. This is where a simple, standard answer might come in handy – it will give you time to let your emotions settle, so that you aren’t interacting with your child in an angry reactive mode sparked by this other person you don’t trust.
If you are trustworthy, your child will trust you. Who you are, how you treat your child – that’s what trust is built on. At least, that’s what I want to believe. I hope I’m right.
It sounds like a very, very difficult situation. I really hope something here helps.
--Frustrated
Tricky, tricky, tricky.
I find myself thinking a lot about the exact nature of the relationships here, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. How is it different if the manipulative person is the child’s best friend? Other parent? Beloved uncle? Stepsister? Grandparent? Next-door neighbor? Is it different?
When I think about it, people cut other people out of their lives in all kinds of situations, so if the child didn’t want to see this person, the problem would be solved. But the child DOES want to see this person. The child loves this person.
So then I wonder how we can break down the problem… What does it mean to manipulate someone? To feed them misinformation? To try to lead them to set conclusions?
There are no perfect parents. All relationships have occasional discomfort. For someone to choose to dig into someone else’s relationship and try to expose it as “bad” seems unnecessary and potentially cruel to me. I think this is clearly how you’re perceiving the situation. There is a real danger here that anything you do to show how wrong the other person is for trying to manipulate your child will be perceived as you choosing to dig into someone else’s relationship and try to expose it as “bad.” Do you see what I mean? Going on the offense seems to me to set you up to become exactly what you dislike about this other person.
Your child loves you. And your child loves this manipulative person. Let’s assume the manipulator loves the child. The right thing for you, the parent, and this manipulative but important person to do seems to me to each have your own separate relationship with the child. Meaning it doesn’t make sense to me for the three of you to hang out together. Or to discuss each other with your child. You can’t control what the manipulator says or does. You can control how you react, and how you act in the first place.
I think that the ideal way forward is to assume the absolute best of your own child. And to protect your own mind. I’m thinking this might mean coming up with an easy answer for reports about the manipulator “hmmm, that’s interesting. I don’t see it that way.” And then let it go. If your child wants to talk more about it, listen. What’s that old saying? If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all? Politely disagree, but don’t get into judging his character. If you are the parent you want to be, then whether the other person claims you are “bad” or not will be irrelevant – you and your child know the truth.
I don’t think people are actually very easy to manipulate – I think we tend to believe what supports what we already know, if that makes sense. So if there are weak areas in your relationship with your child, work on those areas because it is important to you to do so. Strengthen yourself, and your relationship with your child, and what the manipulator says and does will not matter. If you are strong, and your relationship with your child is strong, then the manipulator will become irrelevant, a ghost.
I think if you see this, if this rings true to you, then it might even be possible to turn those attempts at manipulation to your advantage. If something you hear stings, be kind to yourself, and see that as valuable information that there is an area you are not happy with, a place where you can focus on being more present and growing in a positive direction. The manipulator might give specific language to your child, but he cannot control how your child feels or what your child believes. So listen, and be the parent you want to be, and know that the words you hear might be triggering unnecessary reactions for you, so try to get past those reactions and hear the substance, where your child is unhappy, and address that. This is where a simple, standard answer might come in handy – it will give you time to let your emotions settle, so that you aren’t interacting with your child in an angry reactive mode sparked by this other person you don’t trust.
If you are trustworthy, your child will trust you. Who you are, how you treat your child – that’s what trust is built on. At least, that’s what I want to believe. I hope I’m right.
It sounds like a very, very difficult situation. I really hope something here helps.
Friday, June 13, 2008
What'd She Do?
“How would you handle it when you are talking to one child about something they’ve done and a sibling starts asking “what’d she do mom? What’d she do?”
Say the child sprayed another sibling with the hose and parent was explaining that “victim’s” cries implied it was not appreciated and in fact the hose holder herself does not like being sprayed. All the while another sibling is wanting to know “what’d she do?”
I’m supposing one shouldn’t be concerned about answering the question as it was a rather public offense but I worry about telling someone’s stories if they’d rather they not be told.”
-- Sass
My thoughts go in a couple of different directions with this…
It seems to me that just answering the question without judgement is the simplest solution. If something is private enough that it shouldn’t be shared, than it seems to me that it shouldn’t be discussed in a public setting. Of course, it’s also possible to redirect the question – “why don’t you ask her what she did?” Or to find out if it’s okay – “do you mind if I tell your brother what we’re talking about?” Or to answer with a long list… “Well, she woke up, she ate breakfast, she played with you, she went to the bathroom, she came outside, she watered the plants, she watered your brother, she put down the hose, she laughed at my joke… Which part did you miss?”
I wonder, though, if something else is going on. It sounds like maybe there is a punishment mentality here. Like maybe the parent has a certain tone of voice or body language that the kids recognize as meaning that one of them is “in trouble.” If siblings missed the event, much curiosity about what triggered the “in trouble” reaction certainly seems valid from the perspective of avoiding such events in the future. (And I imagine there will be some smug satisfaction coming from those not "in trouble.") Of course, if the parent wants to avoid punishment, then this kind of attention probably trips the guilt switch for her, which makes the whole situation even muddier. The parent doesn’t want to say what happened, because she doesn’t want to own the lecture she realizes she’s handing out… It's important for us to realize that if we are doing something we feel bad about doing, we can always stop. "She sprayed someone with the hose -- let's get some water balloons and bomb the sand box instead!"
I think clarity about what exactly is going on in such a situation will probably lead to an obvious way forward. Maybe the parent needs to pull out the water guns and draw chalk outlines on the fence for everyone to spray. Maybe the whole family needs a safe place for private conversations. Maybe it's time to set up the slip 'n slide. Maybe siblings need to be reminded that they can talk to each other directly and don’t need parents as a translator.
As always, I hope something here helps!
Say the child sprayed another sibling with the hose and parent was explaining that “victim’s” cries implied it was not appreciated and in fact the hose holder herself does not like being sprayed. All the while another sibling is wanting to know “what’d she do?”
I’m supposing one shouldn’t be concerned about answering the question as it was a rather public offense but I worry about telling someone’s stories if they’d rather they not be told.”
-- Sass
My thoughts go in a couple of different directions with this…
It seems to me that just answering the question without judgement is the simplest solution. If something is private enough that it shouldn’t be shared, than it seems to me that it shouldn’t be discussed in a public setting. Of course, it’s also possible to redirect the question – “why don’t you ask her what she did?” Or to find out if it’s okay – “do you mind if I tell your brother what we’re talking about?” Or to answer with a long list… “Well, she woke up, she ate breakfast, she played with you, she went to the bathroom, she came outside, she watered the plants, she watered your brother, she put down the hose, she laughed at my joke… Which part did you miss?”
I wonder, though, if something else is going on. It sounds like maybe there is a punishment mentality here. Like maybe the parent has a certain tone of voice or body language that the kids recognize as meaning that one of them is “in trouble.” If siblings missed the event, much curiosity about what triggered the “in trouble” reaction certainly seems valid from the perspective of avoiding such events in the future. (And I imagine there will be some smug satisfaction coming from those not "in trouble.") Of course, if the parent wants to avoid punishment, then this kind of attention probably trips the guilt switch for her, which makes the whole situation even muddier. The parent doesn’t want to say what happened, because she doesn’t want to own the lecture she realizes she’s handing out… It's important for us to realize that if we are doing something we feel bad about doing, we can always stop. "She sprayed someone with the hose -- let's get some water balloons and bomb the sand box instead!"
I think clarity about what exactly is going on in such a situation will probably lead to an obvious way forward. Maybe the parent needs to pull out the water guns and draw chalk outlines on the fence for everyone to spray. Maybe the whole family needs a safe place for private conversations. Maybe it's time to set up the slip 'n slide. Maybe siblings need to be reminded that they can talk to each other directly and don’t need parents as a translator.
As always, I hope something here helps!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Dietary Restrictions
"What about dietary restrictions due to health or allergy reasons? This is an issue in our home and it is so hard to find common preferences (although we haven't stopped trying!) and going to parties and stuff is really hard (we usually bring our own foods to such events, but I feel like it still singles out the child who can't eat what everyone else is eating and it's not always possible to make something that looks the same, plus I don't have the energy to make an exact big replica birthday cake for every bday party, nor the money.)"
--Jenny
What exactly is the problem?
Is it that replacement food doesn’t taste as good?
Is it that child chooses to eat food that causes health problems?
Is it that having food allergies, by definition, makes a person different from people who don’t have allergies?
Is it something else altogether?
If the replacement food isn’t as good, then it makes sense to me to keep working on finding better replacements. That might mean more time baking, and then freezing options that are really appreciated to have on hand when occasions arise. It might mean thinking outside the cake box, and bringing favorite candies or fresh seasonal fruit or a yummy custard, or homemade ice cream, or whatever will be more delicious for the child than the expected cake.
If the child’s allergies are mild enough, or if the dietary restrictions are such that some flexibility exists, then it makes sense to work together to figure out what the actual parameters are… I’m thinking of adults I know that do things like take enzymes so they can eat dairy in spite of being lactose-intolerant, or make sure they eat enough protein to balance a small piece of birthday cake without impacting their diabetic blood sugar. If that is not an option for obvious health reasons (anaphylactic shock comes to mind), then it’s not an option.
If it’s about being different, well… We all are. It might help to actively notice the positive differences – the things people enjoy, that make their differences seem wonderful instead of unfair. It might also help to bring enough of the safe dessert to share with others – then the boundaries blur, and it’s more like potluck eating, where individuals pick and choose what works for them.
For what it’s worth, sometimes kids without any dietary restrictions aren’t interested in desserts at birthday parties. Some people don’t like cake. Some people don’t like frosting. Some don’t like ice cream. Usually, everyone doesn’t want exactly the same thing. Some want a corner piece of cake with no ice cream. Some want just ice cream. Some want it all. Sometimes people get very excited about the dessert they see at a party, and are horrified by the flavors once they bite into it, and don’t end up eating more than a nibble. The people that are all the same are actually NOT all the same – they all have different tastes and different eating styles.
Also, eating and enjoying the dessert are not essential for having fun at parties, yes? It’s possible to become almost obsessive about something that, when seen through a different lens, can seem trivial. I think that’s a very common problem with food restrictions – we are, by definition, focused on what we can’t eat. Just figuring out how to reframe our experience can help a lot in such a situation. I think developing a good working list of all the amazing, delicious food that people can eat, whenever they want, can help take the pressure off. Maybe having fancy desserts at home on a regular basis will help normalize the experience of dessert to the point that missing one at a party is irrelevant.
Another possibility – become the resident birthday cake expert. Offer to make desserts for friends' parties. Bring amazing desserts to all potlucks. Many people are thrilled at the thought of having a friend help them out by making the cake for them – don’t be afraid to offer. Or maybe there's a brand of ice cream that is safe, offer to bring that. Whatever works.
I know first-hand how challenging this situation can be, and how hard it is to avoid feeling self-pity when faced with food that looks yummy and is off-limits. I hope that something here helps, even just a little.
--Jenny
What exactly is the problem?
Is it that replacement food doesn’t taste as good?
Is it that child chooses to eat food that causes health problems?
Is it that having food allergies, by definition, makes a person different from people who don’t have allergies?
Is it something else altogether?
If the replacement food isn’t as good, then it makes sense to me to keep working on finding better replacements. That might mean more time baking, and then freezing options that are really appreciated to have on hand when occasions arise. It might mean thinking outside the cake box, and bringing favorite candies or fresh seasonal fruit or a yummy custard, or homemade ice cream, or whatever will be more delicious for the child than the expected cake.
If the child’s allergies are mild enough, or if the dietary restrictions are such that some flexibility exists, then it makes sense to work together to figure out what the actual parameters are… I’m thinking of adults I know that do things like take enzymes so they can eat dairy in spite of being lactose-intolerant, or make sure they eat enough protein to balance a small piece of birthday cake without impacting their diabetic blood sugar. If that is not an option for obvious health reasons (anaphylactic shock comes to mind), then it’s not an option.
If it’s about being different, well… We all are. It might help to actively notice the positive differences – the things people enjoy, that make their differences seem wonderful instead of unfair. It might also help to bring enough of the safe dessert to share with others – then the boundaries blur, and it’s more like potluck eating, where individuals pick and choose what works for them.
For what it’s worth, sometimes kids without any dietary restrictions aren’t interested in desserts at birthday parties. Some people don’t like cake. Some people don’t like frosting. Some don’t like ice cream. Usually, everyone doesn’t want exactly the same thing. Some want a corner piece of cake with no ice cream. Some want just ice cream. Some want it all. Sometimes people get very excited about the dessert they see at a party, and are horrified by the flavors once they bite into it, and don’t end up eating more than a nibble. The people that are all the same are actually NOT all the same – they all have different tastes and different eating styles.
Also, eating and enjoying the dessert are not essential for having fun at parties, yes? It’s possible to become almost obsessive about something that, when seen through a different lens, can seem trivial. I think that’s a very common problem with food restrictions – we are, by definition, focused on what we can’t eat. Just figuring out how to reframe our experience can help a lot in such a situation. I think developing a good working list of all the amazing, delicious food that people can eat, whenever they want, can help take the pressure off. Maybe having fancy desserts at home on a regular basis will help normalize the experience of dessert to the point that missing one at a party is irrelevant.
Another possibility – become the resident birthday cake expert. Offer to make desserts for friends' parties. Bring amazing desserts to all potlucks. Many people are thrilled at the thought of having a friend help them out by making the cake for them – don’t be afraid to offer. Or maybe there's a brand of ice cream that is safe, offer to bring that. Whatever works.
I know first-hand how challenging this situation can be, and how hard it is to avoid feeling self-pity when faced with food that looks yummy and is off-limits. I hope that something here helps, even just a little.
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